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The road ahead is empty as you accelerate, needle edging ever nearer the sixty line, but still you do nothing to drop your speed, a sardonic grin etched into features once considered distinguished, now reduced to a mask of hate. You think about ending it all, just keeping your foot on the pedal, coaxing yet more velocity from the engine, smashing into something, a tree, a pillar, a house, who fucking cares, as long as your heart stops beating. You think about Anna, how she betrayed you, how she took everything that meant something, everything that mattered, and snatched it away in that lustful moment, another man’s cock thrusting between her legs, encouraging him, eager that his length and girth fill her to bursting, eager for his seed to spill within her, to engulf her, to drown her from within, forcefully, forceful enough to bubble from her nostrils.
You slam the steering wheel with fists balled and close your eyes for two, three, four seconds, no idea what is in front of you, which direction you are travelling, where you are, caring less, knowing only the sensation of freedom, of liberty, hating it, wanting it gone and, when death fails to materialise, you open your eyes again, disappointment souring your mood even further, life clinging on, despite your best intentions.
You apply the brakes steadily, slowing the car, swinging into a lay-by, bringing the vehicle to a complete stand still, eyes awash with tears that refuse to spill, shame burning inside of you, the shame of loss, of failure, the shame infused with a despair so profound you want to reach into your chest and rip your heart clean out.
‘Uuuuiiirrriiigggaaaa,” you wail to nobody, the sound disgusting to your ears, a symptom of the sickness that courses through your veins and, this time, you slam your forehead against the plastic of the steering wheel, hard enough to draw blood, the sensation of your own fluid leaking down your brow a pleasant distraction from the tumult.
The engine continues to idle, the volume seeming to grow inside you, your head an echo chamber now, sound waves bouncing from boned wall to boned wall, no way to escape once ensnared, simply amplifying, accelerating, getting louder, shriller, more insistent, until a million million wasps are crammed within you, the anger at their captivity nought compared to your own fury.
‘Drink won’t solve anything,’ he had said, a familiar face, one who once meant something, but now his words were worthless, and you had spat at him, your sputum so surprising to him that he had reacted by laughing, initially, apparently unable to believe what you had done. Perhaps he had thought you incapable of such wickedness but, as the thick gloop of your mucus dribbled down his nose, his faulty reality was forced into a shift, to align more precisely with the actuality of your existence, for now you are a slave to no-one, a friend to fewer and, as he wiped away the offending matter, now his anger flared, and he came at you with fists raised, but too slow, and you beat him to the ground, this man who called you mate, and you kicked at him and stamped on him, his arms flapping uselessly against your savage limbs, unable to resist the onslaught, the death blow a certainty and, as you stamped a foot down hard, crushing his larynx, ending his life, inside you there was only void.
That was then.
How long ago?
Twenty minutes?
An hour?
Did it matter?
Still the engine roared.
You stamped again.
The car shot forward.
Time runs in cycles, repeating patterns surging again and again, until nothing seems real anymore, no matter the gravity of it all. Like a clock where the hand drags at six, trying to tick forward, trying to progress, the battery so low insufficient power runs to elevate the strip of plastic towards the seven, never mind beyond, so time drips more slowly as you stare through your windscreen, wondering what all of those shapes are streaming past; moving, chatting, skipping. So full of life. So happy. Seemingly oblivious to the crushing weight of time descending towards them, a gamma ray burst of insurmountable cruelty and suddenness, of viciousness and redemptive cleansing.
Beneath you, the car’s engine still idles, but now the sound has lost its potency, has become something altogether more pleasurable, a soothing accompaniment to acts of inevitability that will lead you to your ultimate salvation and, as you note the subtle alterations in sound as you engage and disengage the clutch whilst stationary, you begin to bite your nails, gnawing at them, really, a rabbit attacking a stalk of something green and fibrous, your teeth clacking together as sheer force saws them through the keratin and, before you are even aware, blood forms at the corner of your mouth as you tear at the digits savagely, ripping away cuticles and skin. Then you’re stamping again, as something beyond the windscreen seems familiar, somehow, yet indistinguishable from all else, and you drop the clutch, allow the engine to engage with the gears, the car jumping forward, bidden by your commanding feet, a non-corporeal device, unable to resist your instruction, slave to a master rent from life, a life sure to be cut short by the recklessness of your actions. As the car bursts forward, you notice fresh sounds, above and beyond that of the din of the engine, and something permeates your insanity, brings meaning to the madness you are creating, and you see as something fleshy and brittle and made of bone smacks against the bonnet of your car, but it does not stop you, if anything spurs you on, so you spin the wheels, both steering and rubber, and roar a joyful cry of triumph as something young and fresh and vibrant smashes against the glass before you, a child’s face at first, before becoming something else, hued red and ghastly, flattened by forces of physics but, surprisingly, the glass does not break. Again, wheels are turned, and more carnage occurs: limbs crush, screams bellow, and then you are away, tyres and metalwork soaked in blood , the school receding into the distance and, once more, within the confines of the vehicle, all is calm, all is right.
It takes a while for the delirium to diminish but slowly, as you veer from road to road to road, the pulsing within your head subsides, becomes calming, a massage of the mind that mollifies.
It’s not long before you are smiling, the wail of sirens in nearby streets of no concern.
‘Tez, come in.’
He smiles at you in a practiced way, attempting to hide the horror of your arrival.
‘Been a while,’ he continues, the mundanity coming naturally, seeming almost genuine.
‘Yeah,’ you reply, though without attempting to seem genuine, unashamed of your own distaste.
‘What brings you to these parts?’ he asks and, for all the world, anyone would think he actually cared.
‘I just killed your son.’
He laughs at that, briefly, then starts looking at you oddly.
‘Tez?’
Suddenly, the smile is gone, and he’s staring at you intently. His hands are upon you, rocking at your shoulders,, pushing at you, pulling at you, anything to coax the response from you that he wants.
‘He deserved to die for what you did,’ you say, ignorant to any of his words, ‘So I killed him. I smashed his fucking brains in against the bonnet of my car and now he’s dead.’
Knuckles, hard, punishing, smashing against the side of your head, meant to mean something – anger, perhaps, it is so hard to tell – but all you feel is the elation that you have chosen to introduce into your life, and no amount of man handling from the cuckolder before you will deny it.
‘Police……he’s here……..my son……..killed……’
All manner of words tumble from him into the mouthpiece and, funny thing, you know you should respond, know you should snatch the device from him, protect yourself, but what use hiding now?
They take you.
They are angrier than you expected and, once back at the station, one or two of them elect to punch you, hard, body blows, high impact, low evidence, and you bear the punishment in silence.
Mission accomplished, George Bush Jr. once said.
You know how he felt.
© Ian Stevens (2013)
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Showing posts with label West Midlands fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label West Midlands fiction. Show all posts
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Monday, 5 March 2012
Size Matters
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‘Why is it always so bloody difficult?’ thought Josh, crouching down, trying his best to pick up the shattered fragments of mug from the floor.
‘I only wanted a coffee. Now look what’s happened.’
He snatched at one of the larger shards of crockery a little too hastily, catching a finger on a serration, drawing blood instantly.
‘Fuck me.’
The last he spoke out loud, slapping the floor angrily with the uninjured hand, feeling the weight of the world against his shoulders, the apparent barrage of mundane problems piling on top of him, feeding his frustration.
‘You talking to me?’ Emily called from the front room.
The girlfriend.
Long-suffering.
Good hearted.
Patient beyond all reason.
Hugely overweight.
No,’ Josh snapped, a tad more forcefully than he intended. ‘I’ve cut myself.’
‘How’ve you done that?’ she demanded from the adjacent room, then he heard movement, could picture the effort being employed, chubby forearms shaking as the top half of her attempted to take her full weight, legs wobbling beneath her, hoisting herself out of her comfy chair like a bull elephant removing itself from a muddy wallow.
‘No need to come look. It’s nothing.’
‘Too late,’ she replied as she stepped into the room, breathless. ‘Let’s have a look at you.’
Dutifully, Josh stood, pointing the wounded finger at her as she approached. She clasped it, bringing the digit up to her face, the better to peer at it.
‘That it?’
‘I said it was nothing,’ he smiled, enjoying the well worn routine; he the mischievous schoolboy, she the tough but caring school mistress.
‘You are naughty aren’t you?’
He dropped his head, staring at the ground.
‘Please, Miss. I didn’t mean to do it.’
‘Didn’t you now? Well, you say the same thing every time you find yourself here in my office. Whatever am I to do with you?’
Josh’s shoulders began to shake up and down, as if weeping in distress, but he found it difficult to stay in character, the humour of the situation over-riding the improvisation.
‘You think this is funny, do you?’ Emily demanded, a sharpness to her tongue that ended the mirth.
‘No Miss.’
‘Well, we’ll see about that. Turn around.’
Josh didn’t move, his assumed persona defiantly standing his ground.
‘Don’t make this worse for yourself, young man. I said turn around.’
Still nothing.
‘I’ll give you until the count of three and, if you still haven’t done as I asked, things will get very unpleasant. Do you understand me?’
‘Yes,’ he replied, voice barely audible, more a squeak than a genuine word.
‘Three.’
Josh continued to stand stock still, eyes locked onto the lino.
‘Two.’
He shook his head, as if an inner battle were being raged.
‘One.’
Suddenly, he span around on the spot, presenting his back to Emily.
‘Drop the trousers, young man. You need to be punished for your mischief, don’t you?’
He did not reply, instead fumbling excitedly at the belt of his jeans, tugging at it, slowing the process inadvertently. Finally, buckle navigated, he plucked at the three buttons, pinched them open, allowed the denim trousers to fall to the floor.
‘And those,’ Emily barked.
Josh yanked down his briefs, bending at the waist to push them over his knees, affording Emily a splendid view of his buttocks as he did so.
‘Stay bent forward, boy,’ she instructed, and Josh waited, hearing the sound of a draw being opened, his excitement building, the awkwardness of his posture putting pressure on his lower back, the dull ache only adding to the sensations that coursed through him.
‘You’ve been very, very bad,’ he heard her say behind him.
‘Yes, Miss,’ he agreed.
‘And you know what happens to bad boys?’
‘No, Miss.’
She chuckled delightedly.
‘They get thrashed,’ and, as she spoke the last word, she flicked her well-proportioned arm forward, catching Josh’s bare buttocks a perfect blow, the flat surface of the rolling pin she held smacking off his flesh nicely.
He gasped, half swallowed the sound, catching it in his throat, not wanting to peak too soon.
‘Thrashed,’ she repeated, slapping his arse once more with the kitchen utensil.
Now, a groan emanated, one he could not control, and it took all of his effort of will to remain where he was, the urge to turn round and ravish his tormentor almost overpowering.
‘Naughty, naughty, naughty,’ she admonished, each repetition accompanied by a blow to the backside so that he could take no more. Spinning round, he took her in his arms, and she went there willingly, yielding to his desires, allowing him to fondle her where he wished, his hands eager but expert, knowing just where to touch her and how so that, within a matter of minutes, she too was filled with yearning, and the moment took them, Josh lowering her great bulk onto the kitchen floor, aware of the broken crockery, knowing she had chosen this spot precisely because the lacerating shards were there; wanting the possibility of bloodshed to be part of the act and, with an abandon most teenagers would be proud of, they sated their desires.
The TV babbled in the corner of the room, both sets of eyes keenly observing the action. On screen, an American action type was running as hard as he could, gun drawn, bellowing at those he pursued that they give up, there was nowhere to run.
Happily, for the sake of the drama, they ignored him.
‘I used to be a good runner,’ Emily said.
‘I know.’
Josh spoke from his position on the settee, head resting in his girlfriend’s lap, her hand placed comfortingly on his head, occasionally playing with his hair, teasing it between her fingers.
He felt happy.
Warm.
Secure.
The bulk of her thighs served as ample cushioning for his head.
‘Second fastest in my year over 1500m,’ she stated.
‘I know. You’ve told me before.’
‘Well, I want to tell you again.’
‘Ok, sweetness. Tell me.’
No annoyance. No irritation. No sense that, really, all he wanted to do was watch Jack Bauer pump some bullets into a suspected terrorist.
‘It started at primary school. We’d run around the field three or four times. Can’t remember the exact number now. So long ago. I’d always come in first. Every time. Even when I wasn’t really trying. Then, a new girl started in my year. Donna. The first time she came out with us for P.E. she beat me. It was close, though. My little legs were pumping as hard as I could manage, but I just couldn’t quite catch her. Then, every time after that, it was the same. I wanted to break her fucking legs.’
As the last sentence was uttered, Josh felt the hand on his head tighten a little, felt a lock of hair pulled a little too tightly.
He said nothing.
‘I thought I’d be rid of her when Primary School ended but, no, she followed me to Secondary School too and, as we grew, so the distance between us grew, too, so that by the end of the third year she was four seconds faster than me over 800m, a full nine seconds over 1500.
Bitch.’
She yanked at the hair, now, actually causing his head to move lest the lock be yanked clean out.
He did not complain.
On screen, Bauer seemed to be interrogating somebody using an exposed electrical cable as incentive to talk.
‘It’s why I stopped running. Fourth year sports day. Hundreds of parents there watching, and I just couldn’t catch her. The humiliation was too much to take and, after that day, I never ran again. I still look back on it, Josh, still wonder what might have been if that fucking
(yank)
bitch
(yank)
had never moved into the area, had never started at my school.’
He moved a hand, stroked her leg just below the knee, not willing to speak, his emotions too raw, too intense. Though he had heard the story many times before, still it provoked a response each and every time and, always, he knew were it would lead.
‘Maybe I would have kept on running. You know. All I wanted to be was the best at it and, when that was taken away from me, consistently, over many years, it was like I lost a piece of myself. Lost my purpose. Can you imagine that? Being denied something you crave for year after year. Even at that age, it pierced me, Josh. It fucking pierced me.’
She was slapping at his head as she spat out the words, as if lying on her lap was not her boyfriend of seven years, but Donna: Winner of Races.
He remained mute.
Eyes locked on Bauer and his torture tactics.
‘I could have found another way to exercise, I suppose, but running was what I did. Was what I liked. Why should I make the effort to find a replacement?’
She let the question hang in the air, not really expecting a response, not getting one either way.
‘And look at me now,’ she said, as Josh knew she must. ‘Look at the state of me. Look what I’ve become. I am a grotesque, Josh, no matter what you say.’
Josh stroked her leg some more, overcome now, eyes awash with tears, head spinning, a tumult of emotions rendering him unable to respond even if he had wished to do so.
‘I’m out of breath by the time I reach the third step on the way upstairs. Getting out of this seat is becoming increasingly difficult. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed leaving the house, Josh. The people look at me. They stare. They see me as a freak. I’d like to say a freak walking amongst them, but it’s more of a waddle these days, isn’t it? My hideously deformed body waddling amongst the normals.’
Her voice was getting steadily louder with each passing sentence.
‘And look at you. Thin as a rake. How can it be, Josh? How is it possible? We eat the same fucking food.’
She lashed at him with renewed ferocity, raining blows against his head with chubby, clenched fists, and he did nothing to prevent the assault.
The bathroom mirrored fogged, the heat from the shower misting up the air quickly. Emily wiped away the condensation, staring at her own features intently, studying herself.
Her eyes; sunken, too small for the rest of her face.
Brow; billiard ball smooth, hairline too far back from the rest of the features for her liking.
Cheeks; podgy, permanently swollen, as if she always had food secreted in pouches inside her mouth.
Chin; indistinct from the rest of her image, the bloated nature of her features merging chin to cheeks, chin to neck. Not really a double chin, she thought, more a face that melts into the rest of my body.
Tears formed, and she fought them back, ashamed of herself on multiple levels.
The mirror misted over again and, slowly, not really wanting to, Emily turned away from the bathroom cabinet and began to shed her clothes. Even this, she knew, would not be an easy task.
At twenty five stone, nothing was ever easy.
Nothing that required any level of physical exertion, anyway.
Using the sink for support, she managed to remove her skirt, casting the vast expanse of material to one side, not even wanting to look at it. Then came the knickers, the stooping action required to stretch them over her knees a struggle, but eventually the undergarment was removed and, again, unceremoniously ejected from view.
Naked, now, she moved to the shower, but even here she found things to traumatise; the doors, specially widened to allow her access; the access point, dropped to just above floor level so she didn’t have to lift her legs too far in order to get in and, once in, the greatest indignity of all: The seat, moulded into the wall, a permanent symbol of all that she had become.
Carefully, not wishing to slip on the wet, plastic floor, she swivelled on the spot and closed the doors behind her, having already ensured the shower head was angled to strike the area of the seat. Using the specially fitted grab handles attached to the side of the shower unit, Emily lowered herself into position, reaching for the bottle of shower milk as soon as she was settled. Removing the cap, she squeezed a palm-full into her hand, lathering her shoulders and neck with the coconut infused lotion. The scent reached her nostrils but, to Emily, the aroma did not invoke images of tropical beaches and exotic foods, instead the odour struck her as nothing but a lie.
A cruel, sadistic lie by the manufacturers.
‘Sure, they can make it smell how they want, make my skin smell anyway they like, but it doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t change me.’
Another squeeze of the bottle, and this time she rubbed the soapy broth over her breasts, taking care to lift each one in turn to ensure the sweaty underside, where skin met skin, was cleansed.
‘How has it come to this,’ she thought, unable to control the stem of negativity she felt, the blackness of her mind cascading now, gushing with the same force as the jet of water from the showerhead, the tide of despair aimed squarely at her own perceived worthlessness.
‘Sitting on a plastic seat, covered in coconut juice, having to lift up my breasts to clean underneath them. This isn’t how I imagined it would be.’
Another palm of lotion, smeared over her belly and the top of her thighs, before attempting the tricky bit: getting to the undercarriage. With difficulty, she lifted herself half up on one arm, using the other to direct more lotion between her legs, dropping the bottle down for a moment to allow her to scrub at her femininity, disgusted by what she found for, even here, she felt nothing but flabby excess; disgrace heaped upon disgrace.
Josh listened at the foot of the stairs for the tell-tale sounds from upstairs, waiting to ensure she was actually in the bathroom before heading for the kitchen. On the stove, a pan full of water was being brought to the boil, ready for a couple of handfuls of dried spaghetti. Josh preferred fresh pasta, of course, but times were tough, so certain sacrifices had to be made.
While the water steadily rose in temperature, he began preparations for the main aspect of the dish, a simple tomato and basil sauce, minced beef, some chopped garlic and onions, finally finished off with a sprinkling of fresh coriander.
Josh poured some oil into a frying pan, heated it, and began to brown off the mince, adding the spaghetti to the now boiling water, lowering the heat and giving it a stir so the strands of pasta did not stick to the bottom of the pan. Satisfied, he completed the browning of the meat, and set it to one side, using the same pan now to cook the onions and garlic. While the aromatic cousins bubbled away, he mixed together tomato puree, dried basil, powdered chilli and two beef stock cubes into a cup of hot water, then repeated the process in another cup. Bending down, he retrieved a large tub from the cupboard, and unscrewed the top, grabbing a tablespoon from the draining board. Carefully, he scooped out a spoonful, then another, stirring them both into a single cup of the tomato and basil sauce, having to apply some vigour to ensure every speck of powder was dissolved.
Satisfied, he replaced the tub in the cupboard, making a mental note of which of the cups of sauce had been doctored for, even under close scrutiny, the pure protein powder would be undetectable. Tasteless and, once mixed, invisible, he was anxious to ensure that he did not eat the altered food by mistake.
For six years now he had been the sole person responsible for cooking.
For six years he had completed the duty, gladly.
Not once had Emily ever suspected his deeds. Oh, she knew about the protein powder, but that was explained away easily enough: ‘Helps with the press-up routine. Builds more muscle.’
All true.
Protein certainly builds muscle, but only in the active. Fed to a sedentary individual, the muscle that would have been gained does not manifest and, instead, the excess energy provided by the protein ensures weight gain.
‘Extra weight gain,’ thought Josh, a tiny smile flickering at the corner of his mouth, the image of Emily consuming her meal arousing him instantly.
With one hand, he stirred her sauce into her half of the meat and onions. With the other, he gently caressed himself.
‘Enough,’ she said aloud, tears streaking her face, misery her master now as, overcome, she hauled herself from the plastic seat, barging out of the shower altogether, slamming the door shut behind her. Panting, she stood on the shower mat, stark naked, having to stoop, resting her hands on her knees, the effort it had taken to extricate herself from the shower cubicle almost too much. For a moment, she thought she was going to pass out. White dots swam before her eyes and her legs felt weak; jellied. Slowly, she regained composure, found her strength again, her breath too. Back at the bathroom cabinet, now, this time she did not bother wiping the moisture away, knowing all too well the sight that would greet her were she to do so, choosing to spare herself that particular sadness. Instead, she opened the cabinet door, groped within, found what she sought.
A plastic safety razor.
Bic.
Orange and white.
She brought it up to her face.
Studied it for a moment, as if she were a Great Ape trying to figure out exactly how it worked.
She knew its function, of course, but today she would set it to use on a slightly different task for, if the blade were capable of cutting away hair, surely it would be sufficiently sharp to cut away other stuff, too.
‘Let’s find out,’ she thought, placing the angle of the neck and blade against the edge of the sink and pressing down, hard, snapping the casing. Carefully, she plucked at the blade, which wiggled in its housing, unwilling quite yet to be liberated from its plastic prison. Another tug or two at the plastic surround finished the job, and she was able to remove the blade altogether, holding it carefully between thumb and forefinger of her right hand, her good hand. Dropping the plastic wreckage into the sink, she looked at the blade for one second, two, then took it to herself, slicing at the first ridge of flesh at the top of her gut, the metal implement slicing through cleanly, the skin either side of the blade peeling apart as easily as that of a banana, the gaping rent formed filling quickly with blood.
She felt pain.
Exquisite pain.
Thought nothing of it, noting only the excitement it brought, the warm sensations spreading through chest and loins.
Working quickly, aware that blood loss was a danger, she sliced down a few inches, then back, then up, forming a six inch by six inch incision. Digging in now, she used the blade to slice beneath until, with a liquid slurp, the whole surface area came away and she was left holding a dripping, squared section of her own matter.
She dropped it into the sink with the plastic casing.
‘Personal weight loss programme,’ she thought, and laughed aloud dementedly.
She carved some more.
Josh sat at the table, places set appropriately, food served.
Upstairs, he cold hear the shower still running but no movement.
‘What’s taking her?’ he wondered, moving back to the foot of the stairs.
‘Emily?’ he called.
No reply.
He mounted three stairs and called again.
Still nothing.
Just the sound of water cascading.
Than a crash, something heavy, falling.
He raced to the top, made his way to the bathroom door, knocked loudly.
‘Emily.’
No response.
He was getting worried.
Tried the door.
Locked.
She never locked the door.
‘Emily, answer me right now or I’m gonna smash my way in.’
A pause of two seconds.
‘I mean it.’
Five more seconds, and he stepped back, barged his shoulder against the door, shaking it in its frame, but not quite dislodging it Again he tried unsuccessfully but on the third time the door yielded and Josh burst into an abattoir.
Emily lay on the floor, the blade still in her hands. Her eyelids fluttered, on the point of passing out, yet still her hand worked the blade into her own flesh, cutting herself, trying to rid herself of her own meat.
Josh collapsed to his knees. Slid to her, through the blood and muck.
Looked her up and down.
Her entire stomach region was a bloodied ruin and, in places, she had punctured the abdominal wall so that thick worms of intestines squirmed to be free of their fleshy cage. Down one flank, large portions of skin and other fibres had been removed and she had started to work on her breasts when, it seemed, she had been overcome.
Her eyes snapped open.
Found Josh’s.
Stared at him.
Hard.
‘Why, Emily?’ he asked.
‘I wanted you to love me,’ she said.
Tears filled his eyes.
‘I love you just the way you are.’
She died
© Ian Stevens (2012)
Mail me
Mail the author
‘Why is it always so bloody difficult?’ thought Josh, crouching down, trying his best to pick up the shattered fragments of mug from the floor.
‘I only wanted a coffee. Now look what’s happened.’
He snatched at one of the larger shards of crockery a little too hastily, catching a finger on a serration, drawing blood instantly.
‘Fuck me.’
The last he spoke out loud, slapping the floor angrily with the uninjured hand, feeling the weight of the world against his shoulders, the apparent barrage of mundane problems piling on top of him, feeding his frustration.
‘You talking to me?’ Emily called from the front room.
The girlfriend.
Long-suffering.
Good hearted.
Patient beyond all reason.
Hugely overweight.
No,’ Josh snapped, a tad more forcefully than he intended. ‘I’ve cut myself.’
‘How’ve you done that?’ she demanded from the adjacent room, then he heard movement, could picture the effort being employed, chubby forearms shaking as the top half of her attempted to take her full weight, legs wobbling beneath her, hoisting herself out of her comfy chair like a bull elephant removing itself from a muddy wallow.
‘No need to come look. It’s nothing.’
‘Too late,’ she replied as she stepped into the room, breathless. ‘Let’s have a look at you.’
Dutifully, Josh stood, pointing the wounded finger at her as she approached. She clasped it, bringing the digit up to her face, the better to peer at it.
‘That it?’
‘I said it was nothing,’ he smiled, enjoying the well worn routine; he the mischievous schoolboy, she the tough but caring school mistress.
‘You are naughty aren’t you?’
He dropped his head, staring at the ground.
‘Please, Miss. I didn’t mean to do it.’
‘Didn’t you now? Well, you say the same thing every time you find yourself here in my office. Whatever am I to do with you?’
Josh’s shoulders began to shake up and down, as if weeping in distress, but he found it difficult to stay in character, the humour of the situation over-riding the improvisation.
‘You think this is funny, do you?’ Emily demanded, a sharpness to her tongue that ended the mirth.
‘No Miss.’
‘Well, we’ll see about that. Turn around.’
Josh didn’t move, his assumed persona defiantly standing his ground.
‘Don’t make this worse for yourself, young man. I said turn around.’
Still nothing.
‘I’ll give you until the count of three and, if you still haven’t done as I asked, things will get very unpleasant. Do you understand me?’
‘Yes,’ he replied, voice barely audible, more a squeak than a genuine word.
‘Three.’
Josh continued to stand stock still, eyes locked onto the lino.
‘Two.’
He shook his head, as if an inner battle were being raged.
‘One.’
Suddenly, he span around on the spot, presenting his back to Emily.
‘Drop the trousers, young man. You need to be punished for your mischief, don’t you?’
He did not reply, instead fumbling excitedly at the belt of his jeans, tugging at it, slowing the process inadvertently. Finally, buckle navigated, he plucked at the three buttons, pinched them open, allowed the denim trousers to fall to the floor.
‘And those,’ Emily barked.
Josh yanked down his briefs, bending at the waist to push them over his knees, affording Emily a splendid view of his buttocks as he did so.
‘Stay bent forward, boy,’ she instructed, and Josh waited, hearing the sound of a draw being opened, his excitement building, the awkwardness of his posture putting pressure on his lower back, the dull ache only adding to the sensations that coursed through him.
‘You’ve been very, very bad,’ he heard her say behind him.
‘Yes, Miss,’ he agreed.
‘And you know what happens to bad boys?’
‘No, Miss.’
She chuckled delightedly.
‘They get thrashed,’ and, as she spoke the last word, she flicked her well-proportioned arm forward, catching Josh’s bare buttocks a perfect blow, the flat surface of the rolling pin she held smacking off his flesh nicely.
He gasped, half swallowed the sound, catching it in his throat, not wanting to peak too soon.
‘Thrashed,’ she repeated, slapping his arse once more with the kitchen utensil.
Now, a groan emanated, one he could not control, and it took all of his effort of will to remain where he was, the urge to turn round and ravish his tormentor almost overpowering.
‘Naughty, naughty, naughty,’ she admonished, each repetition accompanied by a blow to the backside so that he could take no more. Spinning round, he took her in his arms, and she went there willingly, yielding to his desires, allowing him to fondle her where he wished, his hands eager but expert, knowing just where to touch her and how so that, within a matter of minutes, she too was filled with yearning, and the moment took them, Josh lowering her great bulk onto the kitchen floor, aware of the broken crockery, knowing she had chosen this spot precisely because the lacerating shards were there; wanting the possibility of bloodshed to be part of the act and, with an abandon most teenagers would be proud of, they sated their desires.
The TV babbled in the corner of the room, both sets of eyes keenly observing the action. On screen, an American action type was running as hard as he could, gun drawn, bellowing at those he pursued that they give up, there was nowhere to run.
Happily, for the sake of the drama, they ignored him.
‘I used to be a good runner,’ Emily said.
‘I know.’
Josh spoke from his position on the settee, head resting in his girlfriend’s lap, her hand placed comfortingly on his head, occasionally playing with his hair, teasing it between her fingers.
He felt happy.
Warm.
Secure.
The bulk of her thighs served as ample cushioning for his head.
‘Second fastest in my year over 1500m,’ she stated.
‘I know. You’ve told me before.’
‘Well, I want to tell you again.’
‘Ok, sweetness. Tell me.’
No annoyance. No irritation. No sense that, really, all he wanted to do was watch Jack Bauer pump some bullets into a suspected terrorist.
‘It started at primary school. We’d run around the field three or four times. Can’t remember the exact number now. So long ago. I’d always come in first. Every time. Even when I wasn’t really trying. Then, a new girl started in my year. Donna. The first time she came out with us for P.E. she beat me. It was close, though. My little legs were pumping as hard as I could manage, but I just couldn’t quite catch her. Then, every time after that, it was the same. I wanted to break her fucking legs.’
As the last sentence was uttered, Josh felt the hand on his head tighten a little, felt a lock of hair pulled a little too tightly.
He said nothing.
‘I thought I’d be rid of her when Primary School ended but, no, she followed me to Secondary School too and, as we grew, so the distance between us grew, too, so that by the end of the third year she was four seconds faster than me over 800m, a full nine seconds over 1500.
Bitch.’
She yanked at the hair, now, actually causing his head to move lest the lock be yanked clean out.
He did not complain.
On screen, Bauer seemed to be interrogating somebody using an exposed electrical cable as incentive to talk.
‘It’s why I stopped running. Fourth year sports day. Hundreds of parents there watching, and I just couldn’t catch her. The humiliation was too much to take and, after that day, I never ran again. I still look back on it, Josh, still wonder what might have been if that fucking
(yank)
bitch
(yank)
had never moved into the area, had never started at my school.’
He moved a hand, stroked her leg just below the knee, not willing to speak, his emotions too raw, too intense. Though he had heard the story many times before, still it provoked a response each and every time and, always, he knew were it would lead.
‘Maybe I would have kept on running. You know. All I wanted to be was the best at it and, when that was taken away from me, consistently, over many years, it was like I lost a piece of myself. Lost my purpose. Can you imagine that? Being denied something you crave for year after year. Even at that age, it pierced me, Josh. It fucking pierced me.’
She was slapping at his head as she spat out the words, as if lying on her lap was not her boyfriend of seven years, but Donna: Winner of Races.
He remained mute.
Eyes locked on Bauer and his torture tactics.
‘I could have found another way to exercise, I suppose, but running was what I did. Was what I liked. Why should I make the effort to find a replacement?’
She let the question hang in the air, not really expecting a response, not getting one either way.
‘And look at me now,’ she said, as Josh knew she must. ‘Look at the state of me. Look what I’ve become. I am a grotesque, Josh, no matter what you say.’
Josh stroked her leg some more, overcome now, eyes awash with tears, head spinning, a tumult of emotions rendering him unable to respond even if he had wished to do so.
‘I’m out of breath by the time I reach the third step on the way upstairs. Getting out of this seat is becoming increasingly difficult. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed leaving the house, Josh. The people look at me. They stare. They see me as a freak. I’d like to say a freak walking amongst them, but it’s more of a waddle these days, isn’t it? My hideously deformed body waddling amongst the normals.’
Her voice was getting steadily louder with each passing sentence.
‘And look at you. Thin as a rake. How can it be, Josh? How is it possible? We eat the same fucking food.’
She lashed at him with renewed ferocity, raining blows against his head with chubby, clenched fists, and he did nothing to prevent the assault.
The bathroom mirrored fogged, the heat from the shower misting up the air quickly. Emily wiped away the condensation, staring at her own features intently, studying herself.
Her eyes; sunken, too small for the rest of her face.
Brow; billiard ball smooth, hairline too far back from the rest of the features for her liking.
Cheeks; podgy, permanently swollen, as if she always had food secreted in pouches inside her mouth.
Chin; indistinct from the rest of her image, the bloated nature of her features merging chin to cheeks, chin to neck. Not really a double chin, she thought, more a face that melts into the rest of my body.
Tears formed, and she fought them back, ashamed of herself on multiple levels.
The mirror misted over again and, slowly, not really wanting to, Emily turned away from the bathroom cabinet and began to shed her clothes. Even this, she knew, would not be an easy task.
At twenty five stone, nothing was ever easy.
Nothing that required any level of physical exertion, anyway.
Using the sink for support, she managed to remove her skirt, casting the vast expanse of material to one side, not even wanting to look at it. Then came the knickers, the stooping action required to stretch them over her knees a struggle, but eventually the undergarment was removed and, again, unceremoniously ejected from view.
Naked, now, she moved to the shower, but even here she found things to traumatise; the doors, specially widened to allow her access; the access point, dropped to just above floor level so she didn’t have to lift her legs too far in order to get in and, once in, the greatest indignity of all: The seat, moulded into the wall, a permanent symbol of all that she had become.
Carefully, not wishing to slip on the wet, plastic floor, she swivelled on the spot and closed the doors behind her, having already ensured the shower head was angled to strike the area of the seat. Using the specially fitted grab handles attached to the side of the shower unit, Emily lowered herself into position, reaching for the bottle of shower milk as soon as she was settled. Removing the cap, she squeezed a palm-full into her hand, lathering her shoulders and neck with the coconut infused lotion. The scent reached her nostrils but, to Emily, the aroma did not invoke images of tropical beaches and exotic foods, instead the odour struck her as nothing but a lie.
A cruel, sadistic lie by the manufacturers.
‘Sure, they can make it smell how they want, make my skin smell anyway they like, but it doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t change me.’
Another squeeze of the bottle, and this time she rubbed the soapy broth over her breasts, taking care to lift each one in turn to ensure the sweaty underside, where skin met skin, was cleansed.
‘How has it come to this,’ she thought, unable to control the stem of negativity she felt, the blackness of her mind cascading now, gushing with the same force as the jet of water from the showerhead, the tide of despair aimed squarely at her own perceived worthlessness.
‘Sitting on a plastic seat, covered in coconut juice, having to lift up my breasts to clean underneath them. This isn’t how I imagined it would be.’
Another palm of lotion, smeared over her belly and the top of her thighs, before attempting the tricky bit: getting to the undercarriage. With difficulty, she lifted herself half up on one arm, using the other to direct more lotion between her legs, dropping the bottle down for a moment to allow her to scrub at her femininity, disgusted by what she found for, even here, she felt nothing but flabby excess; disgrace heaped upon disgrace.
Josh listened at the foot of the stairs for the tell-tale sounds from upstairs, waiting to ensure she was actually in the bathroom before heading for the kitchen. On the stove, a pan full of water was being brought to the boil, ready for a couple of handfuls of dried spaghetti. Josh preferred fresh pasta, of course, but times were tough, so certain sacrifices had to be made.
While the water steadily rose in temperature, he began preparations for the main aspect of the dish, a simple tomato and basil sauce, minced beef, some chopped garlic and onions, finally finished off with a sprinkling of fresh coriander.
Josh poured some oil into a frying pan, heated it, and began to brown off the mince, adding the spaghetti to the now boiling water, lowering the heat and giving it a stir so the strands of pasta did not stick to the bottom of the pan. Satisfied, he completed the browning of the meat, and set it to one side, using the same pan now to cook the onions and garlic. While the aromatic cousins bubbled away, he mixed together tomato puree, dried basil, powdered chilli and two beef stock cubes into a cup of hot water, then repeated the process in another cup. Bending down, he retrieved a large tub from the cupboard, and unscrewed the top, grabbing a tablespoon from the draining board. Carefully, he scooped out a spoonful, then another, stirring them both into a single cup of the tomato and basil sauce, having to apply some vigour to ensure every speck of powder was dissolved.
Satisfied, he replaced the tub in the cupboard, making a mental note of which of the cups of sauce had been doctored for, even under close scrutiny, the pure protein powder would be undetectable. Tasteless and, once mixed, invisible, he was anxious to ensure that he did not eat the altered food by mistake.
For six years now he had been the sole person responsible for cooking.
For six years he had completed the duty, gladly.
Not once had Emily ever suspected his deeds. Oh, she knew about the protein powder, but that was explained away easily enough: ‘Helps with the press-up routine. Builds more muscle.’
All true.
Protein certainly builds muscle, but only in the active. Fed to a sedentary individual, the muscle that would have been gained does not manifest and, instead, the excess energy provided by the protein ensures weight gain.
‘Extra weight gain,’ thought Josh, a tiny smile flickering at the corner of his mouth, the image of Emily consuming her meal arousing him instantly.
With one hand, he stirred her sauce into her half of the meat and onions. With the other, he gently caressed himself.
‘Enough,’ she said aloud, tears streaking her face, misery her master now as, overcome, she hauled herself from the plastic seat, barging out of the shower altogether, slamming the door shut behind her. Panting, she stood on the shower mat, stark naked, having to stoop, resting her hands on her knees, the effort it had taken to extricate herself from the shower cubicle almost too much. For a moment, she thought she was going to pass out. White dots swam before her eyes and her legs felt weak; jellied. Slowly, she regained composure, found her strength again, her breath too. Back at the bathroom cabinet, now, this time she did not bother wiping the moisture away, knowing all too well the sight that would greet her were she to do so, choosing to spare herself that particular sadness. Instead, she opened the cabinet door, groped within, found what she sought.
A plastic safety razor.
Bic.
Orange and white.
She brought it up to her face.
Studied it for a moment, as if she were a Great Ape trying to figure out exactly how it worked.
She knew its function, of course, but today she would set it to use on a slightly different task for, if the blade were capable of cutting away hair, surely it would be sufficiently sharp to cut away other stuff, too.
‘Let’s find out,’ she thought, placing the angle of the neck and blade against the edge of the sink and pressing down, hard, snapping the casing. Carefully, she plucked at the blade, which wiggled in its housing, unwilling quite yet to be liberated from its plastic prison. Another tug or two at the plastic surround finished the job, and she was able to remove the blade altogether, holding it carefully between thumb and forefinger of her right hand, her good hand. Dropping the plastic wreckage into the sink, she looked at the blade for one second, two, then took it to herself, slicing at the first ridge of flesh at the top of her gut, the metal implement slicing through cleanly, the skin either side of the blade peeling apart as easily as that of a banana, the gaping rent formed filling quickly with blood.
She felt pain.
Exquisite pain.
Thought nothing of it, noting only the excitement it brought, the warm sensations spreading through chest and loins.
Working quickly, aware that blood loss was a danger, she sliced down a few inches, then back, then up, forming a six inch by six inch incision. Digging in now, she used the blade to slice beneath until, with a liquid slurp, the whole surface area came away and she was left holding a dripping, squared section of her own matter.
She dropped it into the sink with the plastic casing.
‘Personal weight loss programme,’ she thought, and laughed aloud dementedly.
She carved some more.
Josh sat at the table, places set appropriately, food served.
Upstairs, he cold hear the shower still running but no movement.
‘What’s taking her?’ he wondered, moving back to the foot of the stairs.
‘Emily?’ he called.
No reply.
He mounted three stairs and called again.
Still nothing.
Just the sound of water cascading.
Than a crash, something heavy, falling.
He raced to the top, made his way to the bathroom door, knocked loudly.
‘Emily.’
No response.
He was getting worried.
Tried the door.
Locked.
She never locked the door.
‘Emily, answer me right now or I’m gonna smash my way in.’
A pause of two seconds.
‘I mean it.’
Five more seconds, and he stepped back, barged his shoulder against the door, shaking it in its frame, but not quite dislodging it Again he tried unsuccessfully but on the third time the door yielded and Josh burst into an abattoir.
Emily lay on the floor, the blade still in her hands. Her eyelids fluttered, on the point of passing out, yet still her hand worked the blade into her own flesh, cutting herself, trying to rid herself of her own meat.
Josh collapsed to his knees. Slid to her, through the blood and muck.
Looked her up and down.
Her entire stomach region was a bloodied ruin and, in places, she had punctured the abdominal wall so that thick worms of intestines squirmed to be free of their fleshy cage. Down one flank, large portions of skin and other fibres had been removed and she had started to work on her breasts when, it seemed, she had been overcome.
Her eyes snapped open.
Found Josh’s.
Stared at him.
Hard.
‘Why, Emily?’ he asked.
‘I wanted you to love me,’ she said.
Tears filled his eyes.
‘I love you just the way you are.’
She died
© Ian Stevens (2012)
Mail me
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Stream of Conscience
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She clambered up from her kneeling position, dropping the screwdriver down onto the carpeted floor.
Her neck ached.
Grabbing the base unit of the desktop PC, she pushed it as hard as she could, forcing the box against the grain of the carpet with some difficulty at first, gradually finding momentum until the plastic and metal box slid into position.
She grunted her satisfaction, then leant down to hit the on switch, relieved when the familiar sounds of the machine powering up began, flopping into the chair in front of the computer desk, hitting the button on the monitor, waiting patiently as the boot-up process worked through, typing in her username and password when prompted.
“Sally88”
“Indigo451”
As the hard drive clicked and buzzed, the tiny needle scanning the surface, finding the data it needed in order to load the OS, she leaned forward on her elbows, the screen too large in her field of vision, blinding her almost, so she closed her eyes, content simply to wait, emptying her mind of all thought, aware only of the routine sounds, so well known that she could identify the precise moment the computer became usable.
Bzzzz.
Bzzzz.
Click.
Stop.
Bzzzz.
Stop.
Now it was ready.
She clicked on the browser icon on the desktop, waited a second or two for Firefox to load, then, two clicks more, she was on her Facebook profile.
One private message waited for her.
She opened it.
Read the words once, quickly, then again more slowly.
A glance at her watch confirmed she was on time.
She moved the cursor down to the tiny chat box, clicked on the name she sought.
Aston4.
‘I’m here,’ she typed.
‘Are you prepared?’ came the response.
‘I am.’
‘All is ready.’
‘When shall I start?’ she asked.
‘Now.’
The single word blinked at her from the screen.
She nodded.
So it begins.
She leaned forward, staring straight into the lens of the webcam that sat atop her monitor. For long seconds she did not move, simply gazed at the unblinking eye, imagining the world beyond.
‘My name’s not important,’ she began at last, ‘But maybe my story is. Perhaps, if I tell my tale, it can make a difference.
To one person?
To a hundred?
Who knows? I’m going to tell it anyway.’
She sat back, now, relaxing into her chair, taking a quick swig of coffee from the mug on her desk, wincing when she found it was cold, drinking some more regardless.
She sighed.
Then started speaking again.
‘Truth is, I’m not sure if anyone will even hear this. I hope so. I really do. But that’s out of my control.
I’ll start at the beginning.
I’m a nobody, really. A grunt. One of those people you can pass by everyday in the street and not even notice. It’s not a criticism of myself. I like it that way. I prefer being anonymous. Well, I used to.
I worked as a care worker at a local hospice. Elderly people, mainly, though all had something wrong with them besides their advancing years. Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, motor neurone conditions. You name it. Most could fend for themselves to some extent and, fortunately, most of them could tend to the intimate bodily functions –but not all – so my job was mainly about keeping them company, taking them where they wanted to go and generally keeping them active.
See, one of the myths about the elderly is that they like to stay at home, like to be indoors where it’s safe and quiet. Not in my experience. Most of my clients liked nothing better than being out and about, as much as was practical, and I always supported them as best I could. Cinema visits, trips to the park, the swimming pool. Whatever they wanted, if I could help them, I would.
That was my job.
Or so I thought.
I had one guy under my care – let’s call him Alf. Alf was a prickly character, quick tempered, and one sure fire way of setting him off was to make him feel as if you were helping him too much. He liked his independence, liked to do as much as he could for himself, despite the fact his Alzheimer’s was fairly well advanced and his frail old body was blighted by a form of muscular dystrophy which meant he had trouble walking unaided. Still, the old swine had attitude. And he could swear like a sailor when he lost his temper. Nothing malicious, comical in fact, and I never took it to heart.
Admired him in many ways.
His effort.
His resilience.
His insistence on doing all that he could for himself, even though he probably couldn’t tell you what he had for breakfast.
A proper character, you know.
In the home, we had a contraption called a rollator. We had a few of them, but one in particular I’d set aside for Alf’s use so, when we went out and about, he could hold onto the handles, and guide himself where he wanted to go with the four wheels.
He loved it.
Then, an inspector came in, a medical inspector, checking out the equipment and reading lists of clients and their individual conditions and, as soon as he read Alf’s file, that was it. No rollator for you, squire, despite the fact he had been using it for over a year without an incident. Despite the obvious evidence that it was beneficial for him. No, the inspector decreed that Alf should sit out the rest of his days in the home, unable to leave, effectively cutting off the very independence that I was sure was the only thing that had kept him going in the first place.
It would kill him.
I knew it would.
I broke the news to Alf and the look on his face near broke my heart. His bottom lip trembled, and he started weeping, the daft old sod and, wouldn’t you know it, that set me off, too.
Well I couldn’t have it.
It just wasn’t acceptable.
In defiance, I allowed Alf to keep using his rollator. Allowed him the independence he so badly craved and, for my efforts, I got sacked.
No questions.
No discussion.
Just out the door.
I tried to appeal and they pretty much laughed in my face, my manager waving a time-stamped photograph of me with Alf and his bloody rollator at me, citing it as proof of gross misconduct.
Jobless, angry, I was climbing the fucking walls. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never been out of work. Didn’t know what it meant to have a huge void of time spanning out before me, no way to fill it. It only took three days for me to crack. Still raging, I went back to the care home, snuck in really, furtive and nervous, a trespasser now. I made my way to the cupboard where Alf’s device was stored, anxious, wondering if it would still be there.
It was.
Removing it quickly, I exited the building, breathing deeply, now adding theft to my list of apparent crimes against the company. Two streets away from the scene of my felony I began to relax, feeling suddenly elated.
Manic almost.
It was as if this act of defiance had liberated me from the tumult of dark anxieties that had been pressing down on me. I felt like a child, not a care in the world all of a sudden, and I knew I could do anything I wanted. Without thinking about it, I headed for the park, the very place me and Alf had spent our happiest times together, me on the park bench, observing, he ambling about on his four wheeled contraption, watching the people pass him by, sometimes smiling, sometimes frowning, occasionally swearing for no reason, but always vibrant, always alive.
To this day, I don’t know what came over me.
I dashed to the edge of the lake that served as centrepiece to the park.
I folded the rollator up to its smallest state and then – don’t ask me why – I started jumping on it, started smashing the damned thing up. Maybe it was a symbol of all that had suddenly gone wrong, something that needed to be destroyed in order for me to move on with my life. In the past, after a break-up, I’ve changed my hairstyle, changed the way I fix my make-up. Changed something. Perhaps this was similar, though in a destructive way. I needed to rid the world of the bloody thing, to reset the balance of the universe for, in my mind at least, it seemed improper, somehow, for the rollator to still exist, yet not be put to correct use.
So I jumped up and down on it.
I kicked it.
The wheels fell off first, and I picked these up one by one, hurling them into the lake, as far as I could manage, far enough that they could not be retrieved, anyway, and that was good enough. In they went, arcing through the air and, as I released them, I bellowed at the top of my voice: ‘Piss off, wheels.’
I was like a thing demented.
Never having acted in this way previously, I felt so energised by the bold spontaneity of my actions, I didn’t even consider how I must appear to passers-by. Heck, I wasn’t even aware of the crowd that had started to gather to watch the mad woman smash up a stroller and chuck it in the lake.
Who wouldn’t want to watch that, right?
I kicked down again, this time snapping off part of the frame, picked it up, swung my arm back to hurl it, too, into the water, when the backward motion was abruptly halted, so my own momentum caused me to swivel and spin on the spot, bringing into focus what had prevented my intention. A child, no more than thirteen, had apparently snuck up behind me. Why, I have no idea. Perhaps to try to stop my crazy behaviour. Perhaps just to get a closer look. Either way, he wouldn’t be looking at much of anything for some time after. The metal pole I had smashed off the rollator was now stuck into him, jabbed right into his eye socket, so he stood and stared at me with just one good eye, apparently rooted to the spot.
‘That’s gotta hurt,’ was my first, utterly inappropriate thought, the wildness of the spectacle before me preventing any rationale response.
‘Jesus Christ,’ I heard from somewhere else, a woman’s voice, then someone bursting out of the gathered spectators, grabbing at the boy, screaming, holding him, screaming some more, and it took a while to realise she was screaming at me, demanding to know what I had done to her son.
My memory gets fuzzy after that.
Vague recollections of more people shouting at me, of flashing lights, handcuffs. Of questions and accusations.
Then the magistrate.
The man who decided to take away my son.
Perhaps it was fitting punishment for me. After all, I had taken away at least part of another’s only child. The boy lived, but he would never see out of the damaged eye again.
But they took my boy away from me permanently.
I was an unfit mother.
Damaged goods.
Bipolar disorder, they said, with an emphasis on the manic side of the spectrum. I was liable to make rash decisions that could endanger the safety of myself and anyone under my care therefore, it was the duty of the state to absolve me of that responsibility.
Jobless and now childless, things were about to get much, much worse.’
The newsroom bustled with the usual frenzy of activity. Journalists scuttling from desk to interview room, from canteen to computer.
The wall clock read 11:45am as the telephone on Samantha’s desk began to ring. She snatched at it, annoyed that her train of thought had been interrupted.
‘News desk,’ she said.
‘You’ll want to make a note of this,’ the voice at the other end of the line said, a peculiar quality to the tone, distorted somehow, processed, the caller clearly speaking through some form of electronic device to mask his (her?) true voice.
Sam’s pulse quickened instantly.
Only one type of person made an effort to disguise their voice: someone newsworthy.
And she had the scoop.
‘Are you next to a computer?’ she was asked.
‘I am.’
‘Fire up your browser.’
‘Already open.’
‘Type this into the address bar: ustream.tv/sally88’
‘One second.’
Sam did as she had been asked. The screen loaded, quickly, but the media player at the centre of the page took a while longer as the data buffered.
‘What is this?’ she asked while she waited, anxious to keep the caller on the other end of the line.
‘You’ll see. No more talking. From now on, you just listen.’
Not wishing to provoke a hang-up, Sam complied.
The media player finally completed loading and, on screen, a woman, maybe mid-twenties, stared out at her, speaking, though no sound could be heard. Sam cranked up her speaker volume.
‘Who is she?’
‘Name’s aren’t important, Miss Telegraph journalist. All that matters are the words. I’ve given you a heads up, here. Soon, all eyes will be on this woman.’
There was a click, then then phone line went dead.
Sam replaced the receiver.
Stared at the screen.
Listened.
She took another sip of the still cold coffee, pausing momentarily, throat dry, requiring lubrication.
‘My husband was furious with me and, honestly, who can blame him? All those plans we had made. The ideas we had. The thoughts we had shared about the life we would spend together: gone. Not forever, I hoped. No, it was just a temporary set back. That’s what I tried to tell him. That’s what I tried to explain. But he wouldn’t listen. He just kept telling me it was all my fault. Kept saying that he had stuck with me when all of his friends and family had told him he should leave.
Why?
Because I was trouble.
He came from a reasonably wealthy family. They weren’t millionaires, not by any stretch, but they were successful enough. Me? I’d been dragged up on a Black Country council estate. No prospects, no chance of doing anything with my life. Not that I’m complaining. I was happy enough with what I had. Then, we met. Total chance. In a supermarket. As clichéd as it gets, really. He took a shine to me, and I was suitably flattered to agree to a first date. We never looked back.
But they never forgave me.
His friends.
His family.
Never forgave me for my upbringing. They couldn’t see beyond the accent and the lack of qualifications so, when I was prosecuted, it gave them the opportunity to squawk ‘I told you so,’ to him. He resisted for a while, I’ll give him his due, but they got to him in the end. He hit me that last day. I was in his face, calling him every bastard under the sun as he was packing his stuff. He’d agreed to pay for the upkeep of the house for six months, to give me time to sort myself out.
Decent of him, really.
But I didn’t see it like that at the time. Instead, I was shouting and cursing at him, playing every bit the manic nutcase, effectively proving the diagnosis correct, and reinforcing his commitment to leaving me. Our boy as well, of course. He couldn’t get over that. So he’d made the choice. He could take custody of his son, but only if he had no relationship with me.
His son or his wife?
A tough choice if you think about it, and he made the one that most men would, I suspect.
I wouldn’t let it lie as he tried to leave, started pushing him, threatened him even then, in the blink of an eye, he snapped, took a swing at me, caught me on the chin and knocked me off my feet. It took the wind out of me, physically and mentally, so I just stayed on the ground whilst he finished his packing.
I’ve never seen him since.
Nor my boy and, for a couple of months, I was lost, adrift.
Desperate.
What purpose was there to my life?
What point continuing?
I contemplated suicide at the time, but I simply didn’t have the stomach for it back then and, given my medical condition, the doctor was hardly likely to prescribe me something strong enough to do the job efficiently. I could have found the means, I suppose, but the thought never crystallised sufficiently powerfully to explore it.
Then, I found my calling.
It was like something I should have been doing all along. I couldn’t believe I had never considered it previously because, once I started, it was like a drug.
I couldn’t stop.
I became an activist.
Name a political cause. Name a grievance against the government, big business, the banking world, I was on it. Using the internet, I started out joining forums, rallying people, trying to stoke up annoyance, dissent, hatred if I could manage it. Then, when sufficient people were engaged, we’d take to the streets. Placard waving warriors, we thought of ourselves as, a small but dedicated band of business and bureaucrat botherers.
To begin with, they paid us little attention. Who were we, after all? A cluster fuck of nobodies, armed only with permanent marker daubings on pieces of cardboard. They didn’t have to worry about us. They mocked us sometimes, but that was progress, was the way I saw it. One of my proudest moments came when a Conservative politician mentioned our group on Have I Got News For You. He was sarcastic about us, of course, made a quip that got him the laugh he wanted – humanising him, perhaps – but still that seemed to me a small victory. If he was talking about us on national television, we’d clearly started to get under his skin.
Then, a strange thing happened.
Almost overnight our ranks began to swell. We went from a few dozen dedicated souls to several hundred, several thousand and, before you knew it, each time I arranged a rally or a march, hundreds of thousands took to the street.
We were shaking things up, and no mistake.
Suddenly, the politicians began to take notice.
Gone were the snide quips on satirical panel shows, in their place came forthright and worrisome interviews on Newsnight, Question Time and the like.
We had arrived.
But the best thing about it all?
Nobody knew who I was.
I was the ringleader, but nobody had a clue. Not even the people who attended the marches. As far as they were concerned, I was just another one of them, following orders, doing as I’d been asked.
And I kept the secret for six months.
Then a journalist broke the story. Revealed my identity. And, by doing so, for a second time, my life was taken from me.
Aston4 typed urgently, hammering at the keys with barely a pause, eager to spread the message. Forum after forum was visited, both friendly and enemy territory, urging those online to watch the video feed, to fan the flames.
Online, news travels fast.
Within twenty minutes of the commencement of the broadcast, the ‘active viewers’ figure read 87,000.
‘Of course, my past was soon exposed. Front page stories ran about my prosecution and mental health diagnosis, both used to sully my reputation, as well as various stories cut straight from clean cloth, just plucked from the air by a journalist with an overactive imagination. Strangely, though, the public didn’t seem to buy any of it. To this day I have no idea why they rejected the claims – even those that were true – so instead of dampening the flames down, the constant headlines disparaging me only served to spur me on and, as more and more people flocked to our events, so the tactics used against us, but me specifically, intensified.
It was like something from a movie.
The moment I realised just how deeply I was in over my head was when I visited a cash point to take out a small amount of money. Maybe twenty pounds, I can’t remember now. I knew the money was there, but the machine informed me that I had insufficient funds and, to add further irritation, swallowed my card. I thought nothing of it at the time, instead walked into the branch itself and explained what had happened, asking that they check my balance and retrieve it. To begin with, the woman behind the counter was polite enough, smiling and nodding as I spoke but, once my details had been entered into the computer, her manner changed completely. In an instant, she became frosty; hostile even. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth pinched and, awkwardly, she excused herself, explaining that she had to speak to the branch manager.
I sat and I waited, wondering what the hell was going on.
The manager himself emerged soon enough, sat opposite me whilst the original clerk hovered nervously behind him. I couldn’t have my card back, he explained curtly, and the reason the request for cash had been refused was that my account had been frozen, pending criminal investigations.
I was flabbergasted.
Criminal investigations?
What kind of criminal investigations?
He had no details, he replied then, unable to look me in the eye, he mumbled something about the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
Did I look like a terrorist?
He had no response to that, but I could see in his eyes that there was some doubt. Maybe mud did stick, after all.
I left without another word, which didn’t please him, calling after me that the police were on their way and that I should wait. I had no intention of following his advice, headed straight for home, only to find that a welcoming committee awaited.
Handcuffed, I was dumped in the back of a police van, without explanation.
Sam recognised her now. Though familiar, it wasn’t until the monologue turned to protest marches that the penny dropped. A quick Google later, Sam had the name she needed.
Sally Harker.
Sam looked up the address, grabbed her phone from her bag and brought the video feed up on the small device, boosting the volume so she could hear every word clearly, then dashed from her desk, heading for her car, determined she be the first journalist on the scene when the broadcast ended.
The mystery caller had contacted her. Indirectly, true, but she had no intention of wasting such an opportunity.
She checked the address again.
A fifteen minute drive on a normal day.
Today, she would make it in ten.
The cell was bare, save for a seat and an information leaflet on the wall reminding those within the room that drink driving is a crime.
Christ, I could have used a drink right about then.
The journey to the police station had been short, so I knew I was still in my own locality, but nobody would speak to me. The officers remained resolutely silent as they marched me into the building, emotionless. I may as well have been accompanied by droids. The door was locked and I sat in the cell, alone, for the best part of four hours before anyone arrived, and only then to offer me some water.
I accepted.
No use going thirsty for the sake of pointless defiance.
Another couple of hours passed before I was escorted to an interview room. But this was a room like no other I had seen in a police station. The door leading into the room was made of thick metal, and was only operable by means of an electronic lock. Within the room, nothing at all. Just two seats and a desk between. I scanned the room on entry. No cameras. Nothing. No proof that I had ever been in the room.
I became very, very scared.
Dumped into the chair, again I was forced to wait before a tall, suited, bespectacled gentleman entered. He didn’t give his name. Gave no clue as to his identity or his status. He merely spoke at me.
‘You are being detained as a suspected terrorist. You are a menace to this nation, and you will desist from your anarchic activities with immediate effect, else face severe consequences.’
I just blinked at him.
‘Your life is no longer your own. We control it. We say what you can and cannot do. Where you can and cannot go. Who you can and cannot see.’
He reached into his pocket, and threw something onto the desk between us.
‘Read it,’ he snapped.
It was a large piece of paper, the size of a tabloid newspaper cover and, indeed, what I was looking at was a mock up of an edition of The Mirror.
‘Protestor’s Paedo Palace,’ screamed the headline, accompanied by a photograph of myself, clearly taken using a telescopic lens from great distance, but with sufficient detail to show me looking gaunt, tense.
‘This is bullshit,’ I began, but he stopped me with a raised hand.
‘Read it, he repeated.
I did so. In the sensationalised style of the tabloid press, the article detailed how my flat was used as a headquarters for the production and distribution of child pornography. My aberrant behaviour was explained away by the loss from my life of my own son, that this somehow twisted my mind and made me hate children. Desperate for money after being cut off from my husband, I turned to this most horrific source to generate income.
‘No-one will believe this,’ I said to him.
‘You have no choices here, Miss Harker. Retreat from the spotlight, tell those that follow you to cease in their activities, and resume a normal life. We have set up a job for you at your local supermarket. You will want for nothing. But you must stop. We will tolerate your interference no longer.’
I just sat there shaking my head.
‘Oh, one last thing.’
Once more, he reached into his pocket and again, he dropped something on the desk, a photograph this time and, with trembling hands, I scooped it up.
My boy.
Older though.
‘That was taken yesterday,’ he informed me.
‘Why are you showing me this?’
‘Think of it as a warning,’ he said. Then, to remove all doubt. ‘We’ll kill him if we must.’
He left and, shortly afterwards, I was escorted from the building, to make my own way home to Stourhampton. Oh, and for the sake of clarity, that police station, that interrogation room, was in Dudley. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want you to know that.
So, here we are. It’s come to this. Every aspect of my life has been eroded. All reasons for wishing to continue have been removed, but the fight must go on.
Just not with me.
So here’s what’s happening. I started this broadcast with a clear purpose. Of course, I still have no way of knowing if anyone is listening. Maybe it’s been shut down but, assuming you are out there, loyal followers, and those beyond, this is my message:
Take my life as the price of freedom. We live in a society blinded, side-tracked, distracted. You think they want you thinking about what’s actually happening? Of course not so, every night, on the news, they give you the football scores instead, or talk about the latest celebrity scandal.
You think they want you questioning why most of us are getting poorer by the week whilst those at the top gather enormous sums - more money than anyone could ever need – to bloat their own estates. No, so they feed us reality TV and brainwash us with lies about the financial collapse.
I do this not for me, not even for you, but for those that follow us.
Don’t worry. It won’t take long.’
Sam pulled up outside the block of flats, snatched up the phone from the passenger seat, watched as, on screen, Sally held her left wrist up to the camera and slowly, with great deliberation, drew a razor blade across it.
Blood spurted, blinding the camera for a little while before a tissue appeared to wipe it away.
Sam leapt from the car.
Sprinted towards Sally’s home, glancing at the screen intermittently, cursing as the woman on screen repeated the action on her right wrist.
‘Each drop of blood has meaning.
Drip: a life ruined.
Drip: a life forgotten.
Drip: a life not given the chance to thrive.’
Sam pounded up two flights of stairs.
‘Not long to go now, but remember this day, please, and make sure my sacrifice is not a futile one.’
Sam reached the door of the flat, tried the handle – locked, of course – and, without hesitation, shoulder barged the wooden obstacle.
The door did not yield.
‘I can feel the life draining from me. Can feel my energy sapping, but know this: I have no regrets, nor would I change what I have done here, this day. If my blood can help forge a better future, I can die content.’
She barged once more with her shoulder, again with no result, so stepped back and aimed a hefty kick at the jamb. It didn’t give, but at least it splintered a little.
‘They can slander me; they can accuse me of crimes I did not commit. They can even silence me, but they cannot erase this moment from history.’
Sam kicked again and this time, the door burst open, slamming against the wall with a resounding thud. She plunged straight through, into the corridor beyond, glancing at her phone, pleased to see Sally still speaking. She tried the first door off the corridor – kitchen, no use.
‘I love you all. Keep fighting the good fight.’
Sam burst through the second doorway.
Found Sally.
Slumped over the keyboard.
Blood pooled all around her, on desk, clothing and floor.
Sally did not move.
On screen, the voice continued to speak.
Numb, Sam moved nearer, reached out a hand, touched Sally’s neck, searching for a pulse, knowing it was useless, the cold, rubbery feel of her skin telling Sam all she needed to know.
Sally was dead.
And yet still she spoke.
Sam looked at the computer.
In the centre of the screen, a small dialogue box.
‘Time delay: 1:00:00’
‘I’m too late,’ she thought.
‘Goodbye. I love you all.’
© Ian Stevens (2012)
Mail me
Mail the author
She clambered up from her kneeling position, dropping the screwdriver down onto the carpeted floor.
Her neck ached.
Grabbing the base unit of the desktop PC, she pushed it as hard as she could, forcing the box against the grain of the carpet with some difficulty at first, gradually finding momentum until the plastic and metal box slid into position.
She grunted her satisfaction, then leant down to hit the on switch, relieved when the familiar sounds of the machine powering up began, flopping into the chair in front of the computer desk, hitting the button on the monitor, waiting patiently as the boot-up process worked through, typing in her username and password when prompted.
“Sally88”
“Indigo451”
As the hard drive clicked and buzzed, the tiny needle scanning the surface, finding the data it needed in order to load the OS, she leaned forward on her elbows, the screen too large in her field of vision, blinding her almost, so she closed her eyes, content simply to wait, emptying her mind of all thought, aware only of the routine sounds, so well known that she could identify the precise moment the computer became usable.
Bzzzz.
Bzzzz.
Click.
Stop.
Bzzzz.
Stop.
Now it was ready.
She clicked on the browser icon on the desktop, waited a second or two for Firefox to load, then, two clicks more, she was on her Facebook profile.
One private message waited for her.
She opened it.
Read the words once, quickly, then again more slowly.
A glance at her watch confirmed she was on time.
She moved the cursor down to the tiny chat box, clicked on the name she sought.
Aston4.
‘I’m here,’ she typed.
‘Are you prepared?’ came the response.
‘I am.’
‘All is ready.’
‘When shall I start?’ she asked.
‘Now.’
The single word blinked at her from the screen.
She nodded.
So it begins.
She leaned forward, staring straight into the lens of the webcam that sat atop her monitor. For long seconds she did not move, simply gazed at the unblinking eye, imagining the world beyond.
‘My name’s not important,’ she began at last, ‘But maybe my story is. Perhaps, if I tell my tale, it can make a difference.
To one person?
To a hundred?
Who knows? I’m going to tell it anyway.’
She sat back, now, relaxing into her chair, taking a quick swig of coffee from the mug on her desk, wincing when she found it was cold, drinking some more regardless.
She sighed.
Then started speaking again.
‘Truth is, I’m not sure if anyone will even hear this. I hope so. I really do. But that’s out of my control.
I’ll start at the beginning.
I’m a nobody, really. A grunt. One of those people you can pass by everyday in the street and not even notice. It’s not a criticism of myself. I like it that way. I prefer being anonymous. Well, I used to.
I worked as a care worker at a local hospice. Elderly people, mainly, though all had something wrong with them besides their advancing years. Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, motor neurone conditions. You name it. Most could fend for themselves to some extent and, fortunately, most of them could tend to the intimate bodily functions –but not all – so my job was mainly about keeping them company, taking them where they wanted to go and generally keeping them active.
See, one of the myths about the elderly is that they like to stay at home, like to be indoors where it’s safe and quiet. Not in my experience. Most of my clients liked nothing better than being out and about, as much as was practical, and I always supported them as best I could. Cinema visits, trips to the park, the swimming pool. Whatever they wanted, if I could help them, I would.
That was my job.
Or so I thought.
I had one guy under my care – let’s call him Alf. Alf was a prickly character, quick tempered, and one sure fire way of setting him off was to make him feel as if you were helping him too much. He liked his independence, liked to do as much as he could for himself, despite the fact his Alzheimer’s was fairly well advanced and his frail old body was blighted by a form of muscular dystrophy which meant he had trouble walking unaided. Still, the old swine had attitude. And he could swear like a sailor when he lost his temper. Nothing malicious, comical in fact, and I never took it to heart.
Admired him in many ways.
His effort.
His resilience.
His insistence on doing all that he could for himself, even though he probably couldn’t tell you what he had for breakfast.
A proper character, you know.
In the home, we had a contraption called a rollator. We had a few of them, but one in particular I’d set aside for Alf’s use so, when we went out and about, he could hold onto the handles, and guide himself where he wanted to go with the four wheels.
He loved it.
Then, an inspector came in, a medical inspector, checking out the equipment and reading lists of clients and their individual conditions and, as soon as he read Alf’s file, that was it. No rollator for you, squire, despite the fact he had been using it for over a year without an incident. Despite the obvious evidence that it was beneficial for him. No, the inspector decreed that Alf should sit out the rest of his days in the home, unable to leave, effectively cutting off the very independence that I was sure was the only thing that had kept him going in the first place.
It would kill him.
I knew it would.
I broke the news to Alf and the look on his face near broke my heart. His bottom lip trembled, and he started weeping, the daft old sod and, wouldn’t you know it, that set me off, too.
Well I couldn’t have it.
It just wasn’t acceptable.
In defiance, I allowed Alf to keep using his rollator. Allowed him the independence he so badly craved and, for my efforts, I got sacked.
No questions.
No discussion.
Just out the door.
I tried to appeal and they pretty much laughed in my face, my manager waving a time-stamped photograph of me with Alf and his bloody rollator at me, citing it as proof of gross misconduct.
Jobless, angry, I was climbing the fucking walls. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never been out of work. Didn’t know what it meant to have a huge void of time spanning out before me, no way to fill it. It only took three days for me to crack. Still raging, I went back to the care home, snuck in really, furtive and nervous, a trespasser now. I made my way to the cupboard where Alf’s device was stored, anxious, wondering if it would still be there.
It was.
Removing it quickly, I exited the building, breathing deeply, now adding theft to my list of apparent crimes against the company. Two streets away from the scene of my felony I began to relax, feeling suddenly elated.
Manic almost.
It was as if this act of defiance had liberated me from the tumult of dark anxieties that had been pressing down on me. I felt like a child, not a care in the world all of a sudden, and I knew I could do anything I wanted. Without thinking about it, I headed for the park, the very place me and Alf had spent our happiest times together, me on the park bench, observing, he ambling about on his four wheeled contraption, watching the people pass him by, sometimes smiling, sometimes frowning, occasionally swearing for no reason, but always vibrant, always alive.
To this day, I don’t know what came over me.
I dashed to the edge of the lake that served as centrepiece to the park.
I folded the rollator up to its smallest state and then – don’t ask me why – I started jumping on it, started smashing the damned thing up. Maybe it was a symbol of all that had suddenly gone wrong, something that needed to be destroyed in order for me to move on with my life. In the past, after a break-up, I’ve changed my hairstyle, changed the way I fix my make-up. Changed something. Perhaps this was similar, though in a destructive way. I needed to rid the world of the bloody thing, to reset the balance of the universe for, in my mind at least, it seemed improper, somehow, for the rollator to still exist, yet not be put to correct use.
So I jumped up and down on it.
I kicked it.
The wheels fell off first, and I picked these up one by one, hurling them into the lake, as far as I could manage, far enough that they could not be retrieved, anyway, and that was good enough. In they went, arcing through the air and, as I released them, I bellowed at the top of my voice: ‘Piss off, wheels.’
I was like a thing demented.
Never having acted in this way previously, I felt so energised by the bold spontaneity of my actions, I didn’t even consider how I must appear to passers-by. Heck, I wasn’t even aware of the crowd that had started to gather to watch the mad woman smash up a stroller and chuck it in the lake.
Who wouldn’t want to watch that, right?
I kicked down again, this time snapping off part of the frame, picked it up, swung my arm back to hurl it, too, into the water, when the backward motion was abruptly halted, so my own momentum caused me to swivel and spin on the spot, bringing into focus what had prevented my intention. A child, no more than thirteen, had apparently snuck up behind me. Why, I have no idea. Perhaps to try to stop my crazy behaviour. Perhaps just to get a closer look. Either way, he wouldn’t be looking at much of anything for some time after. The metal pole I had smashed off the rollator was now stuck into him, jabbed right into his eye socket, so he stood and stared at me with just one good eye, apparently rooted to the spot.
‘That’s gotta hurt,’ was my first, utterly inappropriate thought, the wildness of the spectacle before me preventing any rationale response.
‘Jesus Christ,’ I heard from somewhere else, a woman’s voice, then someone bursting out of the gathered spectators, grabbing at the boy, screaming, holding him, screaming some more, and it took a while to realise she was screaming at me, demanding to know what I had done to her son.
My memory gets fuzzy after that.
Vague recollections of more people shouting at me, of flashing lights, handcuffs. Of questions and accusations.
Then the magistrate.
The man who decided to take away my son.
Perhaps it was fitting punishment for me. After all, I had taken away at least part of another’s only child. The boy lived, but he would never see out of the damaged eye again.
But they took my boy away from me permanently.
I was an unfit mother.
Damaged goods.
Bipolar disorder, they said, with an emphasis on the manic side of the spectrum. I was liable to make rash decisions that could endanger the safety of myself and anyone under my care therefore, it was the duty of the state to absolve me of that responsibility.
Jobless and now childless, things were about to get much, much worse.’
The newsroom bustled with the usual frenzy of activity. Journalists scuttling from desk to interview room, from canteen to computer.
The wall clock read 11:45am as the telephone on Samantha’s desk began to ring. She snatched at it, annoyed that her train of thought had been interrupted.
‘News desk,’ she said.
‘You’ll want to make a note of this,’ the voice at the other end of the line said, a peculiar quality to the tone, distorted somehow, processed, the caller clearly speaking through some form of electronic device to mask his (her?) true voice.
Sam’s pulse quickened instantly.
Only one type of person made an effort to disguise their voice: someone newsworthy.
And she had the scoop.
‘Are you next to a computer?’ she was asked.
‘I am.’
‘Fire up your browser.’
‘Already open.’
‘Type this into the address bar: ustream.tv/sally88’
‘One second.’
Sam did as she had been asked. The screen loaded, quickly, but the media player at the centre of the page took a while longer as the data buffered.
‘What is this?’ she asked while she waited, anxious to keep the caller on the other end of the line.
‘You’ll see. No more talking. From now on, you just listen.’
Not wishing to provoke a hang-up, Sam complied.
The media player finally completed loading and, on screen, a woman, maybe mid-twenties, stared out at her, speaking, though no sound could be heard. Sam cranked up her speaker volume.
‘Who is she?’
‘Name’s aren’t important, Miss Telegraph journalist. All that matters are the words. I’ve given you a heads up, here. Soon, all eyes will be on this woman.’
There was a click, then then phone line went dead.
Sam replaced the receiver.
Stared at the screen.
Listened.
She took another sip of the still cold coffee, pausing momentarily, throat dry, requiring lubrication.
‘My husband was furious with me and, honestly, who can blame him? All those plans we had made. The ideas we had. The thoughts we had shared about the life we would spend together: gone. Not forever, I hoped. No, it was just a temporary set back. That’s what I tried to tell him. That’s what I tried to explain. But he wouldn’t listen. He just kept telling me it was all my fault. Kept saying that he had stuck with me when all of his friends and family had told him he should leave.
Why?
Because I was trouble.
He came from a reasonably wealthy family. They weren’t millionaires, not by any stretch, but they were successful enough. Me? I’d been dragged up on a Black Country council estate. No prospects, no chance of doing anything with my life. Not that I’m complaining. I was happy enough with what I had. Then, we met. Total chance. In a supermarket. As clichéd as it gets, really. He took a shine to me, and I was suitably flattered to agree to a first date. We never looked back.
But they never forgave me.
His friends.
His family.
Never forgave me for my upbringing. They couldn’t see beyond the accent and the lack of qualifications so, when I was prosecuted, it gave them the opportunity to squawk ‘I told you so,’ to him. He resisted for a while, I’ll give him his due, but they got to him in the end. He hit me that last day. I was in his face, calling him every bastard under the sun as he was packing his stuff. He’d agreed to pay for the upkeep of the house for six months, to give me time to sort myself out.
Decent of him, really.
But I didn’t see it like that at the time. Instead, I was shouting and cursing at him, playing every bit the manic nutcase, effectively proving the diagnosis correct, and reinforcing his commitment to leaving me. Our boy as well, of course. He couldn’t get over that. So he’d made the choice. He could take custody of his son, but only if he had no relationship with me.
His son or his wife?
A tough choice if you think about it, and he made the one that most men would, I suspect.
I wouldn’t let it lie as he tried to leave, started pushing him, threatened him even then, in the blink of an eye, he snapped, took a swing at me, caught me on the chin and knocked me off my feet. It took the wind out of me, physically and mentally, so I just stayed on the ground whilst he finished his packing.
I’ve never seen him since.
Nor my boy and, for a couple of months, I was lost, adrift.
Desperate.
What purpose was there to my life?
What point continuing?
I contemplated suicide at the time, but I simply didn’t have the stomach for it back then and, given my medical condition, the doctor was hardly likely to prescribe me something strong enough to do the job efficiently. I could have found the means, I suppose, but the thought never crystallised sufficiently powerfully to explore it.
Then, I found my calling.
It was like something I should have been doing all along. I couldn’t believe I had never considered it previously because, once I started, it was like a drug.
I couldn’t stop.
I became an activist.
Name a political cause. Name a grievance against the government, big business, the banking world, I was on it. Using the internet, I started out joining forums, rallying people, trying to stoke up annoyance, dissent, hatred if I could manage it. Then, when sufficient people were engaged, we’d take to the streets. Placard waving warriors, we thought of ourselves as, a small but dedicated band of business and bureaucrat botherers.
To begin with, they paid us little attention. Who were we, after all? A cluster fuck of nobodies, armed only with permanent marker daubings on pieces of cardboard. They didn’t have to worry about us. They mocked us sometimes, but that was progress, was the way I saw it. One of my proudest moments came when a Conservative politician mentioned our group on Have I Got News For You. He was sarcastic about us, of course, made a quip that got him the laugh he wanted – humanising him, perhaps – but still that seemed to me a small victory. If he was talking about us on national television, we’d clearly started to get under his skin.
Then, a strange thing happened.
Almost overnight our ranks began to swell. We went from a few dozen dedicated souls to several hundred, several thousand and, before you knew it, each time I arranged a rally or a march, hundreds of thousands took to the street.
We were shaking things up, and no mistake.
Suddenly, the politicians began to take notice.
Gone were the snide quips on satirical panel shows, in their place came forthright and worrisome interviews on Newsnight, Question Time and the like.
We had arrived.
But the best thing about it all?
Nobody knew who I was.
I was the ringleader, but nobody had a clue. Not even the people who attended the marches. As far as they were concerned, I was just another one of them, following orders, doing as I’d been asked.
And I kept the secret for six months.
Then a journalist broke the story. Revealed my identity. And, by doing so, for a second time, my life was taken from me.
Aston4 typed urgently, hammering at the keys with barely a pause, eager to spread the message. Forum after forum was visited, both friendly and enemy territory, urging those online to watch the video feed, to fan the flames.
Online, news travels fast.
Within twenty minutes of the commencement of the broadcast, the ‘active viewers’ figure read 87,000.
‘Of course, my past was soon exposed. Front page stories ran about my prosecution and mental health diagnosis, both used to sully my reputation, as well as various stories cut straight from clean cloth, just plucked from the air by a journalist with an overactive imagination. Strangely, though, the public didn’t seem to buy any of it. To this day I have no idea why they rejected the claims – even those that were true – so instead of dampening the flames down, the constant headlines disparaging me only served to spur me on and, as more and more people flocked to our events, so the tactics used against us, but me specifically, intensified.
It was like something from a movie.
The moment I realised just how deeply I was in over my head was when I visited a cash point to take out a small amount of money. Maybe twenty pounds, I can’t remember now. I knew the money was there, but the machine informed me that I had insufficient funds and, to add further irritation, swallowed my card. I thought nothing of it at the time, instead walked into the branch itself and explained what had happened, asking that they check my balance and retrieve it. To begin with, the woman behind the counter was polite enough, smiling and nodding as I spoke but, once my details had been entered into the computer, her manner changed completely. In an instant, she became frosty; hostile even. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth pinched and, awkwardly, she excused herself, explaining that she had to speak to the branch manager.
I sat and I waited, wondering what the hell was going on.
The manager himself emerged soon enough, sat opposite me whilst the original clerk hovered nervously behind him. I couldn’t have my card back, he explained curtly, and the reason the request for cash had been refused was that my account had been frozen, pending criminal investigations.
I was flabbergasted.
Criminal investigations?
What kind of criminal investigations?
He had no details, he replied then, unable to look me in the eye, he mumbled something about the Prevention of Terrorism Act.
Did I look like a terrorist?
He had no response to that, but I could see in his eyes that there was some doubt. Maybe mud did stick, after all.
I left without another word, which didn’t please him, calling after me that the police were on their way and that I should wait. I had no intention of following his advice, headed straight for home, only to find that a welcoming committee awaited.
Handcuffed, I was dumped in the back of a police van, without explanation.
Sam recognised her now. Though familiar, it wasn’t until the monologue turned to protest marches that the penny dropped. A quick Google later, Sam had the name she needed.
Sally Harker.
Sam looked up the address, grabbed her phone from her bag and brought the video feed up on the small device, boosting the volume so she could hear every word clearly, then dashed from her desk, heading for her car, determined she be the first journalist on the scene when the broadcast ended.
The mystery caller had contacted her. Indirectly, true, but she had no intention of wasting such an opportunity.
She checked the address again.
A fifteen minute drive on a normal day.
Today, she would make it in ten.
The cell was bare, save for a seat and an information leaflet on the wall reminding those within the room that drink driving is a crime.
Christ, I could have used a drink right about then.
The journey to the police station had been short, so I knew I was still in my own locality, but nobody would speak to me. The officers remained resolutely silent as they marched me into the building, emotionless. I may as well have been accompanied by droids. The door was locked and I sat in the cell, alone, for the best part of four hours before anyone arrived, and only then to offer me some water.
I accepted.
No use going thirsty for the sake of pointless defiance.
Another couple of hours passed before I was escorted to an interview room. But this was a room like no other I had seen in a police station. The door leading into the room was made of thick metal, and was only operable by means of an electronic lock. Within the room, nothing at all. Just two seats and a desk between. I scanned the room on entry. No cameras. Nothing. No proof that I had ever been in the room.
I became very, very scared.
Dumped into the chair, again I was forced to wait before a tall, suited, bespectacled gentleman entered. He didn’t give his name. Gave no clue as to his identity or his status. He merely spoke at me.
‘You are being detained as a suspected terrorist. You are a menace to this nation, and you will desist from your anarchic activities with immediate effect, else face severe consequences.’
I just blinked at him.
‘Your life is no longer your own. We control it. We say what you can and cannot do. Where you can and cannot go. Who you can and cannot see.’
He reached into his pocket, and threw something onto the desk between us.
‘Read it,’ he snapped.
It was a large piece of paper, the size of a tabloid newspaper cover and, indeed, what I was looking at was a mock up of an edition of The Mirror.
‘Protestor’s Paedo Palace,’ screamed the headline, accompanied by a photograph of myself, clearly taken using a telescopic lens from great distance, but with sufficient detail to show me looking gaunt, tense.
‘This is bullshit,’ I began, but he stopped me with a raised hand.
‘Read it, he repeated.
I did so. In the sensationalised style of the tabloid press, the article detailed how my flat was used as a headquarters for the production and distribution of child pornography. My aberrant behaviour was explained away by the loss from my life of my own son, that this somehow twisted my mind and made me hate children. Desperate for money after being cut off from my husband, I turned to this most horrific source to generate income.
‘No-one will believe this,’ I said to him.
‘You have no choices here, Miss Harker. Retreat from the spotlight, tell those that follow you to cease in their activities, and resume a normal life. We have set up a job for you at your local supermarket. You will want for nothing. But you must stop. We will tolerate your interference no longer.’
I just sat there shaking my head.
‘Oh, one last thing.’
Once more, he reached into his pocket and again, he dropped something on the desk, a photograph this time and, with trembling hands, I scooped it up.
My boy.
Older though.
‘That was taken yesterday,’ he informed me.
‘Why are you showing me this?’
‘Think of it as a warning,’ he said. Then, to remove all doubt. ‘We’ll kill him if we must.’
He left and, shortly afterwards, I was escorted from the building, to make my own way home to Stourhampton. Oh, and for the sake of clarity, that police station, that interrogation room, was in Dudley. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want you to know that.
So, here we are. It’s come to this. Every aspect of my life has been eroded. All reasons for wishing to continue have been removed, but the fight must go on.
Just not with me.
So here’s what’s happening. I started this broadcast with a clear purpose. Of course, I still have no way of knowing if anyone is listening. Maybe it’s been shut down but, assuming you are out there, loyal followers, and those beyond, this is my message:
Take my life as the price of freedom. We live in a society blinded, side-tracked, distracted. You think they want you thinking about what’s actually happening? Of course not so, every night, on the news, they give you the football scores instead, or talk about the latest celebrity scandal.
You think they want you questioning why most of us are getting poorer by the week whilst those at the top gather enormous sums - more money than anyone could ever need – to bloat their own estates. No, so they feed us reality TV and brainwash us with lies about the financial collapse.
I do this not for me, not even for you, but for those that follow us.
Don’t worry. It won’t take long.’
Sam pulled up outside the block of flats, snatched up the phone from the passenger seat, watched as, on screen, Sally held her left wrist up to the camera and slowly, with great deliberation, drew a razor blade across it.
Blood spurted, blinding the camera for a little while before a tissue appeared to wipe it away.
Sam leapt from the car.
Sprinted towards Sally’s home, glancing at the screen intermittently, cursing as the woman on screen repeated the action on her right wrist.
‘Each drop of blood has meaning.
Drip: a life ruined.
Drip: a life forgotten.
Drip: a life not given the chance to thrive.’
Sam pounded up two flights of stairs.
‘Not long to go now, but remember this day, please, and make sure my sacrifice is not a futile one.’
Sam reached the door of the flat, tried the handle – locked, of course – and, without hesitation, shoulder barged the wooden obstacle.
The door did not yield.
‘I can feel the life draining from me. Can feel my energy sapping, but know this: I have no regrets, nor would I change what I have done here, this day. If my blood can help forge a better future, I can die content.’
She barged once more with her shoulder, again with no result, so stepped back and aimed a hefty kick at the jamb. It didn’t give, but at least it splintered a little.
‘They can slander me; they can accuse me of crimes I did not commit. They can even silence me, but they cannot erase this moment from history.’
Sam kicked again and this time, the door burst open, slamming against the wall with a resounding thud. She plunged straight through, into the corridor beyond, glancing at her phone, pleased to see Sally still speaking. She tried the first door off the corridor – kitchen, no use.
‘I love you all. Keep fighting the good fight.’
Sam burst through the second doorway.
Found Sally.
Slumped over the keyboard.
Blood pooled all around her, on desk, clothing and floor.
Sally did not move.
On screen, the voice continued to speak.
Numb, Sam moved nearer, reached out a hand, touched Sally’s neck, searching for a pulse, knowing it was useless, the cold, rubbery feel of her skin telling Sam all she needed to know.
Sally was dead.
And yet still she spoke.
Sam looked at the computer.
In the centre of the screen, a small dialogue box.
‘Time delay: 1:00:00’
‘I’m too late,’ she thought.
‘Goodbye. I love you all.’
© Ian Stevens (2012)
Mail me
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Homecoming
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‘Alright, son.’
‘Heh, Dad.’
I sat down on the threadbare sofa, eyes scanning the room briefly; Marilyn Monroe wallpaper, Beatles commemorative plates, a Star Trek cup on the coffee table.
All make believe.
No family.
Nothing real in sight.
‘How’ve you been?’
It was the same introductory question every time. What the hell else was I supposed to ask?
‘Alright.’
I waited a breath or four.
‘Just alright? You gonna help me out at all?’
A touch more feisty than usual. Normally, I would allow for his apathy but, for whatever reason, today I was in no mood.
‘’Elp you out?’
He appeared genuinely baffled.
‘Yeah. A bit more communication might be nice.’
He made a noise then, not really a word, more an utterance of annoyance.
‘Have I pissed you off already?’
Again, silence was all, only the sound of Chris Tarrant’s voice breaking the tension.
‘You can use a lifeline if you want,’ I suggested.
‘A lifeline?’
‘Yeah. You can phone a friend. Let them do the talking. That way, we don’t have to sit here in this crushingly awkward fucking silence.’
He shook his head.
The audacity of it.
‘What’s got into you?’
Yeah, that’s right I was the one with the problem. A 20 mile journey on public transport to see him. The certain knowledge it would be an afternoon fraught with disappointment and tension.
And I was the one in the wrong?
At least it was only twenty miles. Until last month I’d been a whole three counties away. Not that he’d know. He never paid a visit.
‘I’ve come to see you, Dad. Can’t you turn the TV off?’
His expression told me all I needed to know. Somewhere between quizzical and angry.
‘But I always watch this,’ he said.
‘So fucking record it,’ I barked.
He didn’t react at all to that. I may as well have been snapping at the cat that patrolled the room like something imprisoned.
I sat back in my seat, allowing my eyes to drift to the screen. It was a celebrity edition, Tarrant clearly enjoying himself goading, cajoling, teasing the contestants.
‘Do you know them?’ I asked, for want of anything better to say. Curious, too. I couldn’t have named them for all the money in Switzerland.
‘Er’s from a cookery programme. ‘E’s a rugby player.’
‘A match made in heaven.’
No response. Sure, it was hardly Oscar Wilde, but politeness should dictate some form of retort.
‘You want me to go?’ I asked, more forward then I had ever been before. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say but, in my case, it appeared to have toughened me up.
‘Why doh you goo see your Nan?’ he suggested, apparently oblivious to my displeasure.
‘Yeah, I’ll do that.’
I left him to wallow in his own juices.
She only lived across the road.
It wasn’t quite a cul-de-sac, more a bend in the road. A wide, arcing dog-leg. Fraught with danger on an icy day, more than once a car had skidded out of control, speed misjudged, the driver’s eyes bulging with panic as they pondered the slippery descent down The Forge, a gravelly track that led steeply to the industrial estate behind the houses.
Today, though, the weather was clear and warm, so no fear of such a mishap. Still, I ensured nothing was coming before traversing the broad expanse of tarmac.
‘Afternoon,’ Mr Putney called as I was halfway across, on his way back from walking the dog.
‘Hi.’
‘Here to see your Dad?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Good luck,’ he said amiably.
At least I wasn’t alone, I thought.
I hit the opposite pavement, approached number 29, and knocked sharply.
Nothing happened for a little while, but that was normal, so I waited patiently. Eventually, a curtain twitched back, a skeletal face squinted at me through the window. I waved, just to make sure the daft old bat actually noticed I was there, a combination of cheap sherry and third year onset cataracts rendering her vision suspect by this time in the afternoon. With Nan still at the window, the front door swung open and, for one ghastly moment, I considered the possibility that she had actually died, that what stood at the window was her spectre and that long, tremulous arms, dripping with ectoplasm, eked the door open, waiting to greet me, to welcome me into the ranks of the deceased.
Instead, Grandad peered out, squinting also, though not because of the brightness of the outside world, more to try to focus his eyes, and it was a miracle he could see anything at all through the thick, tinted lenses he had worn ever since I could remember. Like a balding, pale skinned Stevie Wonder, he ushered me into the house, though clearly he still had no idea who I was.
“How you doing, Grandad?” I asked, finally revealing my identity.
“Our Terry?” he asked, a slight smile quivering at the corner of his mouth.
“You got it.”
“Oooh. Eh, our Terry’s ‘ere,” he called into the living room at ear-shredding volume, despite the fact his wife was no more than four paces away.
I touched his shoulder gently, as close to affection as he would ever permit, squeezed slightly, then let go, not wishing to embarrass him further.
“Go on, then, go through.”
I did as he told me, stepping through the doorway into the living room, almost knocked off my feet by the blistering heat within. By now, Nan had made her way back to her seat directly beside the fire – not in front, but to the left, as if she only needed one side of her body to be kept warm - perched right on the edge, as always, as if she expected to be called into action at any second. A cigarette was clamped between her lips which, I now noticed, trembled slightly; a new development since last time I visited.
‘It’s our Terry,’ Grandad said again as he followed me into the room. ‘Take a seat, lad, I’ll get you a cuppa.’
I smiled myself, now. I didn’t really want a cup of tea, but I would accept it graciously just to keep him happy. His life was tough enough without denying him such a small pleasure. I sat on the sofa, watched as he left the room, wondering what I should say, eyes drawn to the large frame positioned above the fireplace. Where most folk would hang a lovely landscape or a soothing ocean scene, here instead was a home-made collage, fashioned from individual faces cut from photographs small and large. Haphazard in appearance, the dismembered heads had been pasted together somewhat clumsily so that, in places, lumps of dried glue bulged behind eyes or cheeks or throats, giving many in the tableau an air of the grotesque: malformed, misshapen, mutated. And as I glanced from face to face, a new realisation struck. Each image was that of a family member –nothing unusual there – but these were specifically chosen for a reason. I was nowhere to be seen, that was for certain, nor my father, nor any of my sisters, for the simple reason we were still alive. What I was staring at was a montage of deceased relatives, a grisly, constant reminder of loss and of tragedy and of grief.
I looked at my Nan, who was staring straight ahead, at nothing in particular, and wondered what precisely went on in her mind.
Why would anybody wish to be surrounded by the faces of the dead?
‘Nice montage,’ I said, not really sure why, knowing that I had to say something.
‘What do you mean?’
Sharp, brittle.
‘Erm, it’s a nice gesture.’
She turned my way now, the ash at the end of her cigarette beginning to bow downwards a little, on the verge of collapse. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
‘I call it my Wall of Memories,’ she said emphatically, cupping a well-practiced hand beneath the burning end of the cigarette at precisely the moment the ash finally dropped, catching it in mid-air before dumping it into an overflowing ashtray atop the gas fire.
‘Yeah, yeah.’ I was feeling edgy, nervous even, though I was not sure of the reason. ‘I can see why.’
Even as the words came out of my mouth, I realised how sarcastic they sounded, how callous, but that had not been the intent.
Nan glared at me.
‘What the fuck do you want me to say?’ I thought. ‘Yes, Nan, seems perfectly healthy and normal to ignore all of your relatives that are actually, you know….alive, and focus instead on those who have been fed to the fucking worms.’
But of course I didn’t say that, instead mumbling something about how long Grandad was taking, clambering from my seat, eager to be away from the baleful gaze of both those on the wall and the one in the room who was still just capable of breath.
‘Back in a minute.’
I slipped through the door, into the kitchen adjoined, only to find that the room was empty. I had expected to find my Grandad midway through the tea making ritual but, instead, only silence greeted me, along with a back door positioned slightly ajar. Without pause, I stepped through, out into the passageway that led to the back garden, not breaking pace, straight out onto the lawn, to find him in his favourite place of all: outside, on his bench, away from the harridan within, pipe in hand.
‘Sit down, lad,’ he instructed, as he had done just a few minutes ago, but this time he patted the bench next to him to indicate I should join him.
I felt privileged, almost.
For long moments we sat in silence but, where inside, with the eyes gazing down at me, the silence had been heavy, weighed down by the lingering sense of an accusation yet to come from the woman opposite, here it was easy, natural, comfortable, just two men enjoying both the company of the other and the slight blush of breeze against the face.
‘Look at that,’ Grandad said at last, using his pipe as only an older man can, as a pointing device, the wet end jabbed in the direction he wanted me to look.
‘Bloody hell,’ I said, groaning aloud.
Here, as within, death lingered, this time a rockery dominating one corner of the garden, from the centre of which jutted a crudely fashioned cross. At the foot of the cross, a black plaque with gold, embossed lettering which simply read ‘In memory of our beloved David,’ a cousin whose life had been snatched cruelly from him by that blight of the blood, leukaemia, at the age of twenty two.
‘She made me do that,’ he said, his voice weighted down with weariness. ‘What do you think of it?’
‘Well,’ I began, briefly considering dribbling out a platitudinous banality before realising that he deserved better than that.
‘It’s bloody awful,’ I admitted, holding my breath slightly after I had said it, not sure of the response to come.
‘It’s horrid,’ he agreed and, before either of us knew what was happening, we were in floods of tears, though this weeping had little to do with the funeral like atmosphere the rockery was meant to invoke.
‘She’s totally fucking insane,’ my Grandad managed between gales of laughter, his face ruddy, red and vibrant.
Slowly, the chuckles subsided and, once more, we settled into that comfortable silence that so often eludes.
Christ, I loved this man.
‘Best go in, I suppose,’ he said eventually, reluctantly. ‘See what the old cow-bag has got to complain about this time.’
‘Just blame it on me,’ I advised.
‘I might just do that.’
He led the way.
‘What the hell is it?’ she demanded.
‘What are you on about?’
‘Don’t talk to me like that, young man.’
‘Young man? I’m twenty five.’
‘Twenty five, are you? So why are you acting like a stupid little school boy?’
Spittle flecked at the corner of her mouth, and her eyes bulged in their sockets so acutely I feared they may well burst out.
‘Why are you getting so agitated?’ I demanded.
‘That….that….thing,’ she spat, pointing around my head as best she could.
‘What, this?’ I said, grabbing hold of the small ponytail I had grown in the six months since the last time I visited. ‘It’s the year 2000. Everyone’s got them, now,’ I tried to explain. ‘It doesn’t mean…..’
But she would not let me finish.
‘I know exactly what it means, thank you. You don’t need to spell it out.’
Her eyes blazed more furiously than ever and, had she suddenly developed the ability to fire laser bolts from them to strike me down, I would not have been surprised.
‘Oh, you do, do you? Do you mind telling me then, cos I don’t bloody know.’
‘Don’t get cute with me,’ she barked, teeth bared. ‘You’re not too old for a good hiding.’
I laughed at that, I couldn’t help it, it was so ridiculous.
‘Oh, piss off, you old bag,’ I said. Unkind, I know, and I really should have controlled myself, but the blood was up and, in a strange way, I was kind of enjoying it.
It was just like the good old days.
‘What did you say?’ she asked in a manner so clichéd I half expected her to start shaking her fists at me, too.
‘You ‘eard,’ I bellowed, feeling like I may as well join in with the script.
That’s when she broke from the norm and jumped to her feet faster than she had any right to be able to at her age. For a second, I thought she was going to make a lunge for me, and I was at the door quick as a panther, not really interested in a fist fight with an octogenarian. But she surprised me again, not making a move for me, instead swivelling and stooping in one fluid motion, coming up with something in her hand, hurling it at me, rapid, forcing me to duck, startling me as something heavy and made of glass exploded on the wall at the exact spot my head had been but a moment before. I realised the mad old bitch had hurled her ashtray at me, a huge, heavy, faux crystal lump of moulded glass that, had it connected, might very well have taken my head clean off my shoulders. Grandad’s words from just a short while ago echoed through my mind, even as my ears still rang from the blast of the impact – ‘She’s totally fucking insane’ – and I began to see his point.
Without a second glance back, I was out of the living room door, stumped briefly by the locking mechanism of the front door, blood running cold in my veins as I heard her moving my way from the living room, but not quickly enough. Front door open now, I burst into the world of the normal, forcing myself to walk, but swiftly, past the privet hedge, out onto that wide dog-leg road, heading for my Dad’s house opposite, planning on just grabbing my coat and heading off as quickly as possible. A brief glance behind had me doing a double-take, as the mad old battle-axe was marching my way, dressing gown flowing behind her, still with a cigarette burning away between trembling lips, though the stride was determined and strong, the gait of a much younger woman, a geriatric Terminator, on the war path, unable to rest until the ponytailed enemy had been vanquished.
‘Oi, Oi, Terry,’ I heard from behind as I put on a spurt of speed.
‘At least she’s eloquent,’ I thought wryly, making it to the short driveway that led up to my father’s house, before stopping dead.
What the hell was I doing?
I’m not a child anymore, I realised. I don’t have to put up with this. Just turn around, and talk to her in a rational manner.
I span around, then light flashed bright, dark, bright, dark, as she hit me, once, twice, open palmed slaps, one to each cheek. I started to shake, knowing that I was about to lose my cool, equally aware how foolish I would appear if I were to floor an eighty year old woman with a fist to the face.
I stepped back, out of range.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ I shouted, probably screamed – embarrassing, really, in the middle of the street – ‘I should call the police.’
‘Ooooh. Call the police,’ she mocked. ‘Hello, officer, I’m a pufter, and I’m being beaten up by an old woman because I’m nothing but a pufter with a pufter ponytail and a pufter voice and a pufter dick and a pufter…….’
Her face was crimson, the words coming out in a torrent, a stream of consciousness that revealed a mind full of nought but hatred, and it was then I realised that she wasn’t really angry at me.
No, she was angry at everything.
Everything and everyone.
‘That’s right,’ I agreed softly, turning away from her, leaving her to rant to herself, knowing there was nothing I could say or do that would change who she was; what she was.
Best leave her be.
She’d calm down in her own time.
I went inside.
‘You’ve got to hear this,’ my younger sister said, as Emily, the eldest of the three of us, arrived.
‘Not again,’ I protested.
‘Come on. It’s really funny,’ said Donna.
‘I didn’t think it was very funny at the time.’
‘Tell me,’ Emily implored, and knowing the battle was lost, I recounted the encounter with our elderly relative from earlier in the day. Though usually, when telling a tale, each repetition gains in detail, and exaggeration becomes the norm, with this sorry story, no embellishments were necessary.
The truth was quite awful enough.
Emily shook her head as I finished, wiping a bead of red wine from the corner of her mouth.
‘She’s well and truly losing it,’ she aid. ‘Always knew it’d happen, but I didn’t think you would be her first victim.’
There was an edge to the voice, though I chose to ignore it, the subtext obvious: I was always the clean cut one, the one who never brought any problems home. I’d never been in trouble with the police, never been in a proper fight, never so much as stolen anything from a shop.
Yeah, me and Emily were quite different, and we both knew it.
Donna sensed the mood changing slightly, tried her best to lighten things.
‘Let’s play cards.’
‘No thanks.’
Emily again, properly frosty this time, staring at me defiantly, challenging me to say something out of turn.
‘I’ll play,’ I said.
‘Yeah, fuck you. I’ll play cards even if you won’t’ was the message. A tiny act of rebellion, true, but a rebellion all the same.
‘Why do you always have to ruin it, Terry?’
‘Emily!’ Donna protested, but it was too late. The words were spoken, the challenge issued, and I was never one to roll over.
‘What the fuck have I done?’ I demanded.
‘It’s no wonder she had a pop. You’re so bloody arrogant.’
The old accusation again, the old resentments.
‘How’ve I been arrogant this time, Emily? Is it the way I walk? Maybe the way I’m growing my hair. Am I growing my hair in an arrogant manner? Is that it?’
She smiled, her mouth a cold, narrow slit in her face, full of menace.
‘Just cos the sun shines out of your arse, you think you’re better than everyone else.’
‘What the hell are you talking about? Donna asked me to tell the story. That’s all I’ve done. You’ve only been here five minutes and you’ve started.’
‘Yeah, and is it any wonder?’
‘So what is it? Tell me. I’ve obviously pissed you off somehow.’
‘You haven’t done anything. It’s just who you are.’
‘Well that’s helpful.’
Dripping with sarcasm, but I couldn’t help it.
‘Maybe I’ll just travel back in time and ask Dad to fertilise Mother with a different sperm. Maybe I’ll turn out differently that way.’
‘See what I mean? The fucking smart arse answers. Always with the science and the knowledge. The Guardian tucked under your arm as you walk down the street, you think you’re some kind of brainiac. Well, you’re nothing. You’re like the shit on my shoe.’
They shouldn’t have done, but her words stung. I felt like I’d been slapped again and, unusually, I had nothing to come back with.
Something struck the front door.
Hard.
We all became statuesque.
It came again, if anything louder than before.
‘What the hell is that?’ I asked, acutely aware of the look of genuine fear on Emily’s face.
‘Does he know where you live?’
She was addressing Donna, not me, but still it was I who spoke first.
‘Does who know where you live? What’s happening?’
‘Andy. Her ex,’ Donna explained tersely, answering Emily’s question with a jerk of the head, side to side. ‘Don’t think so.’
We were at Donna’s maisonette, a couple of miles outside of town, a couple of miles the wrong way, too, where all of the houses had the dilapidated look of neglect and disrepair. Being a maisonette, it was effectively two rows of terraced houses piled on top of one another, and we were in one of the top ones.
A new sound now, the sound of metal clattering, as whoever was outside meddled with the letterbox, perhaps trying to squeeze an arm through to reach for a key, should Donna have been foolish enough to leave it in the door.
‘Go see who it is,’ Donna urged me and, reluctantly, I stood, a bit shaky on my feet, the combination of alcohol and adrenaline causing a dizzying effect on my vision. I paused, allowed myself time to settle, then made for the hallway that led straight to the front door. I flicked the light on, half expecting to see an arm poking through, but instead the letterbox was propped open by unseen fingers, and all I could make out were a pair of eyes staring straight at me, through the opening.
‘Who the fuck are you?’
A male voice, deep, angry.
Christ, he sounded big.
‘I’m Terry. Donna’s brother.’
‘Oh yeah, Terry. Well let me tell you something: when I get through this door, I’m gonna fucking kill ya’.’
I believed him.
Something about the way the eyes narrowed as he spoke, something about the sheer malevolence in the stare, even from such an awkward position.
I believed every fucking word.
I dashed back into the living room, where the two women stood, each with their arms crossed tightly against their chests, worry etched across the features.
‘We’ve got to call the police,’ I said forcefully.
‘Can’t do that He’ll kill me,’ Emily said, shaking her head urgently.
‘And what do you think he’s going to do when he gets through that door? Pour you another glass of wine?’
‘Can’t do it anyway,’ Donna said. ‘Phone’s out.’
‘What do you mean the phone’s out? What’s wrong with it?’
‘They cut me off.’
‘Fuck.’
Another bang from outside, loud, and I was certain I also detected the sound of timber splintering. It wouldn’t be long before he got through the door, no matter how sturdy it appeared.
I moved, headed to the window, looked out at the scene beyond.
‘I’m gonna have to do it.’
‘Do what?’ Donna asked.
‘I’m gonna jump.’
They both looked at me as if I were utterly demented but, with the sound of the maniac pounding away at the door, it seemed one way or another pain was about to be inflicted. Better to get hurt trying to go for help than sit here, waiting to be a victim.
‘You’ll break your legs.’
‘I know. Maybe.’
But I was already on it, moving to open the small, side window. Fortunately, the narrow gap was just wide enough for me to pass through and, by lifting the metal latch completely out of the way, the window folded right out, providing no obstacle to anyone wishing to exit the building via this route.
They were the plus points, but the clear negative still outweighed them: this was a second floor window, the drop to ground level probably thirty feet or so. I glanced down fearfully, pleased to note that the earth below was at least grass, but still my heart beat so hard I felt certain it might burst.
‘Terry, don’t.’
Another great smash at the front door was all the spur I needed. I dragged an armchair over, positioned it directly in front of the window, back to the wall, and clambered up, easing myself up and over the ledge arse first, barely able to breath, feeling a fear the like of which I had never experienced before. My knees balanced on the window ledge now, I reached down between them, taking firm hold before gradually easing myself out, past the point of no return, surprised at my own strength, adrenaline my ally, boosting my reserves of energy and providing me a muscle capacity I would not normally be capable of.
I hung there for a few seconds, stricken by abject terror, knowing there was no way back, but not wanting to let go.
There was no choice.
I released my hold.
Plummeted.
Waited for the impact.
It came, quicker than I expected and, weirdly, it felt like something had hit me from above, not below, as my body just folded up on itself, my legs giving way, knees bent, fortunately, as I struck so they just collapsed, along with the rest of me. I hit the grass face first, blood gushing instantly from a nose that must surely be broken.
Dazed, I scrambled to my feet, not quite sure where I was, all sense knocked out of me, again unable to breath, though this time it wasn’t through fear, it was the impact, winding me as surely as if I’d been hit by a train.
A flat, green train.
At ground level.
Stumbling, I headed in any direction which seemed to be away from the building and slowly clarity returned, my eyes focused once more, and I spotted the red telephone box, just twenty metres away. Moving as quickly as I could, I chanced a glance back, and was reassured to see Donna staring back at me, presumably meaning the brute had not yet gained access.
As I dashed across the grassed area, I fumbled in my pocket, momentarily looking for change, abandoning the search as I realised 999 calls are free of charge and, the funny thing is, it wasn’t until some thirty minutes later, when the police arrived and Andy was hauled away in handcuffs that I realised the extent of the damage I had inflicted.
Both ankles were broken, the ambulance driver said. It was a miracle I had been able to move at all. Fear had carried me through it all, he told me, and it was hard for me to disagree.
‘Jesus, what a day,’ I thought as the back doors of the ambulance slammed shut, me strapped down on the bed within.
‘Welcome to Stourhampton,’ I muttered. ‘It’s fucking horrible.’
© Ian Stevens (2012)
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‘Alright, son.’
‘Heh, Dad.’
I sat down on the threadbare sofa, eyes scanning the room briefly; Marilyn Monroe wallpaper, Beatles commemorative plates, a Star Trek cup on the coffee table.
All make believe.
No family.
Nothing real in sight.
‘How’ve you been?’
It was the same introductory question every time. What the hell else was I supposed to ask?
‘Alright.’
I waited a breath or four.
‘Just alright? You gonna help me out at all?’
A touch more feisty than usual. Normally, I would allow for his apathy but, for whatever reason, today I was in no mood.
‘’Elp you out?’
He appeared genuinely baffled.
‘Yeah. A bit more communication might be nice.’
He made a noise then, not really a word, more an utterance of annoyance.
‘Have I pissed you off already?’
Again, silence was all, only the sound of Chris Tarrant’s voice breaking the tension.
‘You can use a lifeline if you want,’ I suggested.
‘A lifeline?’
‘Yeah. You can phone a friend. Let them do the talking. That way, we don’t have to sit here in this crushingly awkward fucking silence.’
He shook his head.
The audacity of it.
‘What’s got into you?’
Yeah, that’s right I was the one with the problem. A 20 mile journey on public transport to see him. The certain knowledge it would be an afternoon fraught with disappointment and tension.
And I was the one in the wrong?
At least it was only twenty miles. Until last month I’d been a whole three counties away. Not that he’d know. He never paid a visit.
‘I’ve come to see you, Dad. Can’t you turn the TV off?’
His expression told me all I needed to know. Somewhere between quizzical and angry.
‘But I always watch this,’ he said.
‘So fucking record it,’ I barked.
He didn’t react at all to that. I may as well have been snapping at the cat that patrolled the room like something imprisoned.
I sat back in my seat, allowing my eyes to drift to the screen. It was a celebrity edition, Tarrant clearly enjoying himself goading, cajoling, teasing the contestants.
‘Do you know them?’ I asked, for want of anything better to say. Curious, too. I couldn’t have named them for all the money in Switzerland.
‘Er’s from a cookery programme. ‘E’s a rugby player.’
‘A match made in heaven.’
No response. Sure, it was hardly Oscar Wilde, but politeness should dictate some form of retort.
‘You want me to go?’ I asked, more forward then I had ever been before. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say but, in my case, it appeared to have toughened me up.
‘Why doh you goo see your Nan?’ he suggested, apparently oblivious to my displeasure.
‘Yeah, I’ll do that.’
I left him to wallow in his own juices.
She only lived across the road.
It wasn’t quite a cul-de-sac, more a bend in the road. A wide, arcing dog-leg. Fraught with danger on an icy day, more than once a car had skidded out of control, speed misjudged, the driver’s eyes bulging with panic as they pondered the slippery descent down The Forge, a gravelly track that led steeply to the industrial estate behind the houses.
Today, though, the weather was clear and warm, so no fear of such a mishap. Still, I ensured nothing was coming before traversing the broad expanse of tarmac.
‘Afternoon,’ Mr Putney called as I was halfway across, on his way back from walking the dog.
‘Hi.’
‘Here to see your Dad?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Good luck,’ he said amiably.
At least I wasn’t alone, I thought.
I hit the opposite pavement, approached number 29, and knocked sharply.
Nothing happened for a little while, but that was normal, so I waited patiently. Eventually, a curtain twitched back, a skeletal face squinted at me through the window. I waved, just to make sure the daft old bat actually noticed I was there, a combination of cheap sherry and third year onset cataracts rendering her vision suspect by this time in the afternoon. With Nan still at the window, the front door swung open and, for one ghastly moment, I considered the possibility that she had actually died, that what stood at the window was her spectre and that long, tremulous arms, dripping with ectoplasm, eked the door open, waiting to greet me, to welcome me into the ranks of the deceased.
Instead, Grandad peered out, squinting also, though not because of the brightness of the outside world, more to try to focus his eyes, and it was a miracle he could see anything at all through the thick, tinted lenses he had worn ever since I could remember. Like a balding, pale skinned Stevie Wonder, he ushered me into the house, though clearly he still had no idea who I was.
“How you doing, Grandad?” I asked, finally revealing my identity.
“Our Terry?” he asked, a slight smile quivering at the corner of his mouth.
“You got it.”
“Oooh. Eh, our Terry’s ‘ere,” he called into the living room at ear-shredding volume, despite the fact his wife was no more than four paces away.
I touched his shoulder gently, as close to affection as he would ever permit, squeezed slightly, then let go, not wishing to embarrass him further.
“Go on, then, go through.”
I did as he told me, stepping through the doorway into the living room, almost knocked off my feet by the blistering heat within. By now, Nan had made her way back to her seat directly beside the fire – not in front, but to the left, as if she only needed one side of her body to be kept warm - perched right on the edge, as always, as if she expected to be called into action at any second. A cigarette was clamped between her lips which, I now noticed, trembled slightly; a new development since last time I visited.
‘It’s our Terry,’ Grandad said again as he followed me into the room. ‘Take a seat, lad, I’ll get you a cuppa.’
I smiled myself, now. I didn’t really want a cup of tea, but I would accept it graciously just to keep him happy. His life was tough enough without denying him such a small pleasure. I sat on the sofa, watched as he left the room, wondering what I should say, eyes drawn to the large frame positioned above the fireplace. Where most folk would hang a lovely landscape or a soothing ocean scene, here instead was a home-made collage, fashioned from individual faces cut from photographs small and large. Haphazard in appearance, the dismembered heads had been pasted together somewhat clumsily so that, in places, lumps of dried glue bulged behind eyes or cheeks or throats, giving many in the tableau an air of the grotesque: malformed, misshapen, mutated. And as I glanced from face to face, a new realisation struck. Each image was that of a family member –nothing unusual there – but these were specifically chosen for a reason. I was nowhere to be seen, that was for certain, nor my father, nor any of my sisters, for the simple reason we were still alive. What I was staring at was a montage of deceased relatives, a grisly, constant reminder of loss and of tragedy and of grief.
I looked at my Nan, who was staring straight ahead, at nothing in particular, and wondered what precisely went on in her mind.
Why would anybody wish to be surrounded by the faces of the dead?
‘Nice montage,’ I said, not really sure why, knowing that I had to say something.
‘What do you mean?’
Sharp, brittle.
‘Erm, it’s a nice gesture.’
She turned my way now, the ash at the end of her cigarette beginning to bow downwards a little, on the verge of collapse. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
‘I call it my Wall of Memories,’ she said emphatically, cupping a well-practiced hand beneath the burning end of the cigarette at precisely the moment the ash finally dropped, catching it in mid-air before dumping it into an overflowing ashtray atop the gas fire.
‘Yeah, yeah.’ I was feeling edgy, nervous even, though I was not sure of the reason. ‘I can see why.’
Even as the words came out of my mouth, I realised how sarcastic they sounded, how callous, but that had not been the intent.
Nan glared at me.
‘What the fuck do you want me to say?’ I thought. ‘Yes, Nan, seems perfectly healthy and normal to ignore all of your relatives that are actually, you know….alive, and focus instead on those who have been fed to the fucking worms.’
But of course I didn’t say that, instead mumbling something about how long Grandad was taking, clambering from my seat, eager to be away from the baleful gaze of both those on the wall and the one in the room who was still just capable of breath.
‘Back in a minute.’
I slipped through the door, into the kitchen adjoined, only to find that the room was empty. I had expected to find my Grandad midway through the tea making ritual but, instead, only silence greeted me, along with a back door positioned slightly ajar. Without pause, I stepped through, out into the passageway that led to the back garden, not breaking pace, straight out onto the lawn, to find him in his favourite place of all: outside, on his bench, away from the harridan within, pipe in hand.
‘Sit down, lad,’ he instructed, as he had done just a few minutes ago, but this time he patted the bench next to him to indicate I should join him.
I felt privileged, almost.
For long moments we sat in silence but, where inside, with the eyes gazing down at me, the silence had been heavy, weighed down by the lingering sense of an accusation yet to come from the woman opposite, here it was easy, natural, comfortable, just two men enjoying both the company of the other and the slight blush of breeze against the face.
‘Look at that,’ Grandad said at last, using his pipe as only an older man can, as a pointing device, the wet end jabbed in the direction he wanted me to look.
‘Bloody hell,’ I said, groaning aloud.
Here, as within, death lingered, this time a rockery dominating one corner of the garden, from the centre of which jutted a crudely fashioned cross. At the foot of the cross, a black plaque with gold, embossed lettering which simply read ‘In memory of our beloved David,’ a cousin whose life had been snatched cruelly from him by that blight of the blood, leukaemia, at the age of twenty two.
‘She made me do that,’ he said, his voice weighted down with weariness. ‘What do you think of it?’
‘Well,’ I began, briefly considering dribbling out a platitudinous banality before realising that he deserved better than that.
‘It’s bloody awful,’ I admitted, holding my breath slightly after I had said it, not sure of the response to come.
‘It’s horrid,’ he agreed and, before either of us knew what was happening, we were in floods of tears, though this weeping had little to do with the funeral like atmosphere the rockery was meant to invoke.
‘She’s totally fucking insane,’ my Grandad managed between gales of laughter, his face ruddy, red and vibrant.
Slowly, the chuckles subsided and, once more, we settled into that comfortable silence that so often eludes.
Christ, I loved this man.
‘Best go in, I suppose,’ he said eventually, reluctantly. ‘See what the old cow-bag has got to complain about this time.’
‘Just blame it on me,’ I advised.
‘I might just do that.’
He led the way.
‘What the hell is it?’ she demanded.
‘What are you on about?’
‘Don’t talk to me like that, young man.’
‘Young man? I’m twenty five.’
‘Twenty five, are you? So why are you acting like a stupid little school boy?’
Spittle flecked at the corner of her mouth, and her eyes bulged in their sockets so acutely I feared they may well burst out.
‘Why are you getting so agitated?’ I demanded.
‘That….that….thing,’ she spat, pointing around my head as best she could.
‘What, this?’ I said, grabbing hold of the small ponytail I had grown in the six months since the last time I visited. ‘It’s the year 2000. Everyone’s got them, now,’ I tried to explain. ‘It doesn’t mean…..’
But she would not let me finish.
‘I know exactly what it means, thank you. You don’t need to spell it out.’
Her eyes blazed more furiously than ever and, had she suddenly developed the ability to fire laser bolts from them to strike me down, I would not have been surprised.
‘Oh, you do, do you? Do you mind telling me then, cos I don’t bloody know.’
‘Don’t get cute with me,’ she barked, teeth bared. ‘You’re not too old for a good hiding.’
I laughed at that, I couldn’t help it, it was so ridiculous.
‘Oh, piss off, you old bag,’ I said. Unkind, I know, and I really should have controlled myself, but the blood was up and, in a strange way, I was kind of enjoying it.
It was just like the good old days.
‘What did you say?’ she asked in a manner so clichéd I half expected her to start shaking her fists at me, too.
‘You ‘eard,’ I bellowed, feeling like I may as well join in with the script.
That’s when she broke from the norm and jumped to her feet faster than she had any right to be able to at her age. For a second, I thought she was going to make a lunge for me, and I was at the door quick as a panther, not really interested in a fist fight with an octogenarian. But she surprised me again, not making a move for me, instead swivelling and stooping in one fluid motion, coming up with something in her hand, hurling it at me, rapid, forcing me to duck, startling me as something heavy and made of glass exploded on the wall at the exact spot my head had been but a moment before. I realised the mad old bitch had hurled her ashtray at me, a huge, heavy, faux crystal lump of moulded glass that, had it connected, might very well have taken my head clean off my shoulders. Grandad’s words from just a short while ago echoed through my mind, even as my ears still rang from the blast of the impact – ‘She’s totally fucking insane’ – and I began to see his point.
Without a second glance back, I was out of the living room door, stumped briefly by the locking mechanism of the front door, blood running cold in my veins as I heard her moving my way from the living room, but not quickly enough. Front door open now, I burst into the world of the normal, forcing myself to walk, but swiftly, past the privet hedge, out onto that wide dog-leg road, heading for my Dad’s house opposite, planning on just grabbing my coat and heading off as quickly as possible. A brief glance behind had me doing a double-take, as the mad old battle-axe was marching my way, dressing gown flowing behind her, still with a cigarette burning away between trembling lips, though the stride was determined and strong, the gait of a much younger woman, a geriatric Terminator, on the war path, unable to rest until the ponytailed enemy had been vanquished.
‘Oi, Oi, Terry,’ I heard from behind as I put on a spurt of speed.
‘At least she’s eloquent,’ I thought wryly, making it to the short driveway that led up to my father’s house, before stopping dead.
What the hell was I doing?
I’m not a child anymore, I realised. I don’t have to put up with this. Just turn around, and talk to her in a rational manner.
I span around, then light flashed bright, dark, bright, dark, as she hit me, once, twice, open palmed slaps, one to each cheek. I started to shake, knowing that I was about to lose my cool, equally aware how foolish I would appear if I were to floor an eighty year old woman with a fist to the face.
I stepped back, out of range.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ I shouted, probably screamed – embarrassing, really, in the middle of the street – ‘I should call the police.’
‘Ooooh. Call the police,’ she mocked. ‘Hello, officer, I’m a pufter, and I’m being beaten up by an old woman because I’m nothing but a pufter with a pufter ponytail and a pufter voice and a pufter dick and a pufter…….’
Her face was crimson, the words coming out in a torrent, a stream of consciousness that revealed a mind full of nought but hatred, and it was then I realised that she wasn’t really angry at me.
No, she was angry at everything.
Everything and everyone.
‘That’s right,’ I agreed softly, turning away from her, leaving her to rant to herself, knowing there was nothing I could say or do that would change who she was; what she was.
Best leave her be.
She’d calm down in her own time.
I went inside.
‘You’ve got to hear this,’ my younger sister said, as Emily, the eldest of the three of us, arrived.
‘Not again,’ I protested.
‘Come on. It’s really funny,’ said Donna.
‘I didn’t think it was very funny at the time.’
‘Tell me,’ Emily implored, and knowing the battle was lost, I recounted the encounter with our elderly relative from earlier in the day. Though usually, when telling a tale, each repetition gains in detail, and exaggeration becomes the norm, with this sorry story, no embellishments were necessary.
The truth was quite awful enough.
Emily shook her head as I finished, wiping a bead of red wine from the corner of her mouth.
‘She’s well and truly losing it,’ she aid. ‘Always knew it’d happen, but I didn’t think you would be her first victim.’
There was an edge to the voice, though I chose to ignore it, the subtext obvious: I was always the clean cut one, the one who never brought any problems home. I’d never been in trouble with the police, never been in a proper fight, never so much as stolen anything from a shop.
Yeah, me and Emily were quite different, and we both knew it.
Donna sensed the mood changing slightly, tried her best to lighten things.
‘Let’s play cards.’
‘No thanks.’
Emily again, properly frosty this time, staring at me defiantly, challenging me to say something out of turn.
‘I’ll play,’ I said.
‘Yeah, fuck you. I’ll play cards even if you won’t’ was the message. A tiny act of rebellion, true, but a rebellion all the same.
‘Why do you always have to ruin it, Terry?’
‘Emily!’ Donna protested, but it was too late. The words were spoken, the challenge issued, and I was never one to roll over.
‘What the fuck have I done?’ I demanded.
‘It’s no wonder she had a pop. You’re so bloody arrogant.’
The old accusation again, the old resentments.
‘How’ve I been arrogant this time, Emily? Is it the way I walk? Maybe the way I’m growing my hair. Am I growing my hair in an arrogant manner? Is that it?’
She smiled, her mouth a cold, narrow slit in her face, full of menace.
‘Just cos the sun shines out of your arse, you think you’re better than everyone else.’
‘What the hell are you talking about? Donna asked me to tell the story. That’s all I’ve done. You’ve only been here five minutes and you’ve started.’
‘Yeah, and is it any wonder?’
‘So what is it? Tell me. I’ve obviously pissed you off somehow.’
‘You haven’t done anything. It’s just who you are.’
‘Well that’s helpful.’
Dripping with sarcasm, but I couldn’t help it.
‘Maybe I’ll just travel back in time and ask Dad to fertilise Mother with a different sperm. Maybe I’ll turn out differently that way.’
‘See what I mean? The fucking smart arse answers. Always with the science and the knowledge. The Guardian tucked under your arm as you walk down the street, you think you’re some kind of brainiac. Well, you’re nothing. You’re like the shit on my shoe.’
They shouldn’t have done, but her words stung. I felt like I’d been slapped again and, unusually, I had nothing to come back with.
Something struck the front door.
Hard.
We all became statuesque.
It came again, if anything louder than before.
‘What the hell is that?’ I asked, acutely aware of the look of genuine fear on Emily’s face.
‘Does he know where you live?’
She was addressing Donna, not me, but still it was I who spoke first.
‘Does who know where you live? What’s happening?’
‘Andy. Her ex,’ Donna explained tersely, answering Emily’s question with a jerk of the head, side to side. ‘Don’t think so.’
We were at Donna’s maisonette, a couple of miles outside of town, a couple of miles the wrong way, too, where all of the houses had the dilapidated look of neglect and disrepair. Being a maisonette, it was effectively two rows of terraced houses piled on top of one another, and we were in one of the top ones.
A new sound now, the sound of metal clattering, as whoever was outside meddled with the letterbox, perhaps trying to squeeze an arm through to reach for a key, should Donna have been foolish enough to leave it in the door.
‘Go see who it is,’ Donna urged me and, reluctantly, I stood, a bit shaky on my feet, the combination of alcohol and adrenaline causing a dizzying effect on my vision. I paused, allowed myself time to settle, then made for the hallway that led straight to the front door. I flicked the light on, half expecting to see an arm poking through, but instead the letterbox was propped open by unseen fingers, and all I could make out were a pair of eyes staring straight at me, through the opening.
‘Who the fuck are you?’
A male voice, deep, angry.
Christ, he sounded big.
‘I’m Terry. Donna’s brother.’
‘Oh yeah, Terry. Well let me tell you something: when I get through this door, I’m gonna fucking kill ya’.’
I believed him.
Something about the way the eyes narrowed as he spoke, something about the sheer malevolence in the stare, even from such an awkward position.
I believed every fucking word.
I dashed back into the living room, where the two women stood, each with their arms crossed tightly against their chests, worry etched across the features.
‘We’ve got to call the police,’ I said forcefully.
‘Can’t do that He’ll kill me,’ Emily said, shaking her head urgently.
‘And what do you think he’s going to do when he gets through that door? Pour you another glass of wine?’
‘Can’t do it anyway,’ Donna said. ‘Phone’s out.’
‘What do you mean the phone’s out? What’s wrong with it?’
‘They cut me off.’
‘Fuck.’
Another bang from outside, loud, and I was certain I also detected the sound of timber splintering. It wouldn’t be long before he got through the door, no matter how sturdy it appeared.
I moved, headed to the window, looked out at the scene beyond.
‘I’m gonna have to do it.’
‘Do what?’ Donna asked.
‘I’m gonna jump.’
They both looked at me as if I were utterly demented but, with the sound of the maniac pounding away at the door, it seemed one way or another pain was about to be inflicted. Better to get hurt trying to go for help than sit here, waiting to be a victim.
‘You’ll break your legs.’
‘I know. Maybe.’
But I was already on it, moving to open the small, side window. Fortunately, the narrow gap was just wide enough for me to pass through and, by lifting the metal latch completely out of the way, the window folded right out, providing no obstacle to anyone wishing to exit the building via this route.
They were the plus points, but the clear negative still outweighed them: this was a second floor window, the drop to ground level probably thirty feet or so. I glanced down fearfully, pleased to note that the earth below was at least grass, but still my heart beat so hard I felt certain it might burst.
‘Terry, don’t.’
Another great smash at the front door was all the spur I needed. I dragged an armchair over, positioned it directly in front of the window, back to the wall, and clambered up, easing myself up and over the ledge arse first, barely able to breath, feeling a fear the like of which I had never experienced before. My knees balanced on the window ledge now, I reached down between them, taking firm hold before gradually easing myself out, past the point of no return, surprised at my own strength, adrenaline my ally, boosting my reserves of energy and providing me a muscle capacity I would not normally be capable of.
I hung there for a few seconds, stricken by abject terror, knowing there was no way back, but not wanting to let go.
There was no choice.
I released my hold.
Plummeted.
Waited for the impact.
It came, quicker than I expected and, weirdly, it felt like something had hit me from above, not below, as my body just folded up on itself, my legs giving way, knees bent, fortunately, as I struck so they just collapsed, along with the rest of me. I hit the grass face first, blood gushing instantly from a nose that must surely be broken.
Dazed, I scrambled to my feet, not quite sure where I was, all sense knocked out of me, again unable to breath, though this time it wasn’t through fear, it was the impact, winding me as surely as if I’d been hit by a train.
A flat, green train.
At ground level.
Stumbling, I headed in any direction which seemed to be away from the building and slowly clarity returned, my eyes focused once more, and I spotted the red telephone box, just twenty metres away. Moving as quickly as I could, I chanced a glance back, and was reassured to see Donna staring back at me, presumably meaning the brute had not yet gained access.
As I dashed across the grassed area, I fumbled in my pocket, momentarily looking for change, abandoning the search as I realised 999 calls are free of charge and, the funny thing is, it wasn’t until some thirty minutes later, when the police arrived and Andy was hauled away in handcuffs that I realised the extent of the damage I had inflicted.
Both ankles were broken, the ambulance driver said. It was a miracle I had been able to move at all. Fear had carried me through it all, he told me, and it was hard for me to disagree.
‘Jesus, what a day,’ I thought as the back doors of the ambulance slammed shut, me strapped down on the bed within.
‘Welcome to Stourhampton,’ I muttered. ‘It’s fucking horrible.’
© Ian Stevens (2012)
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Monday, 23 January 2012
Alice Cranshaw
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The ‘eat wer like summat alive, a physical force that ‘ad power o’ will, pressin’ down on me, choosin’ to mek me life difficult. I used the back o’ me ‘ond to wipe the sweat away from the gap betwain top lip an’ nose, vaguely repelled by the amount o’ moisture that were present, annoyed that I ‘ad not thought to bring a tissue, ‘spite the number o’ pockets arranged about me person. I wiped the dampness from back o’ me ‘ond onto me coot.
It were filthy anyroad.
The pavement in front o’ me curved to the right, though gradually, as the road issen split into two. Straight on, if yo’ walked far enough, the supermarket that adjoined the football ground. Nairen of interest for me thayer. I kep’ gooin’, followin’ the curve o’ the walkway, head down, not lookin’ where I wer gooin’ anymowa, no naid to look, I knew these streets too well an’, when yo’ look like I dun, paiple ‘ave a tendency to avoid yo’, to gid yo’ a wide berth, so I were unlikely to bump into anyone accident’llay.
Alice is the name, Alice Cranshaw.
Bin living in these parts for, ooh, mus’ be thirty five yayer. Since the day I wer born, in fact. Me mom used to tell me I weren’t birthed like a normal, I were shat out like a bad curry, which sounds about right.
The old bitch is dead now, but I ‘ad nairen to do wi’ it, despite what they all said. Me ‘onds are clain, s’far as that were concerned. Fell down the stairs ‘er did, three days af’er the old man went, so I got the blame for the pair on ‘em. ‘E died o’ the drink, as most do ‘round these parts, the men folk, anyroad, so that were me fault an’ all, at least accordin’ to the neighbours. Drank to spare himself the shame of ‘avin’ summat like me as a daughter, is the way they tell it but, truth is, ‘e drank ‘cos on ‘is own demons. Drank ‘cos o’ the things ‘e did that shamed ‘im, though I cor say that ‘ad nairen at all to do wi’ me. I were fourtain the last an’ on’y time ‘e tried anythin’. Lyin’ in bed at night, me curtains were open, I con remember as clear as if I was lyin’ thayer right now an’, back then, the street lights wor as bright so yo’ could actu’lly mek out the stars, actu’lly see ‘em spinnin’ in the heavens if yo’ squinted really ‘ard. Well, I was lyin’ thayer, counting ‘em up, seein’ if I could get to a thousand afore I fell aslaip, the clouds skittin across the sky mekkin it difficult to kep track, one second blocking ‘em, the next not so that I were never shooar which stars I’d counted an’ which I deh, an’ all that concentratin’ o’ course kept me from slaipin’. Well, I were concentratin’ so ‘ard I barely ‘eard the knob on me bedroom dower swivel. Fust I were aware were when ‘e closed the dower behind hissen an’ stood in the shadows watchin’ may. I day know who it were. ‘E day mek a sound yo’ see, just stood thayer, rooted to the spot, as if ‘e ‘ad died right thayer where ‘e stood, as if that black old heart o’ ‘is ‘ad just stopped baitin’ in ‘is chest an’ ‘e’d gone an’ fuckin’ died right where ‘e stood an’ I wish to pish ‘e ‘ad cos what ‘e did next was so vile. I turned messen over when I heard the dower close an’ peered into me room. I’d ‘ad me back to the dower, o’ course, ‘ad to, to stare out at the beautiful stars, so it took me eyes a while or two to readjust. I thought mebbe I’d fallen aslaip for a sec’ an’ dreamt the noise, an’ was just thinking o’ settlin’ back down to try ‘n’ slaip again when ‘e moved at me, out o’ the shadows, scarin’ me so much if thayer’d bin any in me I’d ‘ave pissed where I lay.
‘Dad,’ I whispered into the room, not shooar what were ‘appenin’ though not really worried. It were only Daddy. I knew I’d be safe.
‘Shhh,’ ‘e soothed an’ I could see ‘im ‘oldin’ ‘is ‘ond up to ‘is face, though the darkness masked the precise nature o’ ‘is actions. A finger against the lips was what I guessed.
‘E moved nearer.
‘Everythin’ alright?’ I asked as ‘e swivelled an’ sat down on the bed, ‘oldin’ an arm up slightly to allow me room to crawl under it, leaning down on me own elbah, gazin’ up at ‘im, ‘is features ‘alf masked by the night-time.
‘Do you love me, Alice?’ ‘e asked in a voice that I ‘ad never afore ‘eard, soft, strangled, as if ‘e were ‘avin’ to force the air itself over ‘is vocal chords. Lookin’ back, mebbe it were the guilt tryin’ to stop ‘im afore it were too late, ‘is own body workin’ against ‘im, but for ‘is own good, if you see what I main.
‘Course I love you,’ I replied naively, still feelin’ safe, still secure, under the protective paternal wing.
‘Doe scrame,’ was the only other thing ‘e said, in that same, strangled, not-Dad voice, a stranger spaikin’ through the mouth o’ the familiar, then ‘is ‘onds were on me an’, ‘cos ‘e ‘ad told me not to, I day scrame. I lay thayer an’ let ‘is ‘onds move about me, the top ‘alf o’ me, feeling nairen at all really save for the numbness o’ shock, body an’ mind paralysed, not afraid, more repulsed, set rigid by the revulsion I felt. It were only when ‘is ‘onds went down below an’ I felt one o’ ‘is nicotine stained fingers work its way inside me that I started to fight, ballin’ me fists an’ slappin’ ‘em against ‘is face, forcin’ ‘im to retrait. I opened me mouth to scrame, but no sound came out an’, as if ‘e ‘ad never even bin thayer, ‘e was gone, out o’ the room, away down the stairs where I ‘eard ‘im open the fridge, no doubt reachin’ inside for the strongest bottle ‘e could find.
We never spoke about that day.
Thayer was never a naid.
‘E suffered for it ‘til the day ‘e died, without a reason for me to add to ‘is misery.
I shed no tears at ‘is funeral.
Maybe that’s why they started callin’ me a monster. The 'eartless little bitch who refused to cry even as ‘er own ferther were dropped into the dirt, but it’s ‘ard to fail pity for someone 'oo thinks it’s ok to stick their fingers up your cunny without even askin’ fust. If they knew about that, mebbe they wouldn’t ‘ave bin so quick to judge, but I ‘eld me silence, not tellin’ a soul, an’ the secret remains mine alone even to this day.
The curve in the road ended, an’ I was forced to look left to right as I crossed the T-junction next to The Alex, a pub I ‘ad never even entered, the sight o’ the gristled men standin’ in the dowerway smokin’ enough to tell me that I would not be welcome. A car pulled to a stop just shy o’ the junction, the driver behind the wheel usherin’ me across the hoss-road, so I shuffled off the pavement, me Wellin’ton boots prohibitin’ swiftness o’ passage, an’ I ignored the jeers o’ the cigarette smokers behind me, shut me lugholes to the ‘Alright, darlin’,’ an’ ‘You’re a good lookin’ fella,’ knowin’ that they only said such things out o’ ignorance. They weren’t really tryin’ to ‘urt me, they were just maskin’ the pain o’ their own lives, hidin’ their own sense o’ worthlessness behind a masquerade o’ misogyny an’ mischief. And what use protestin’, anyroad? What if I were to turn round an’ give ‘em the sod off finger? It’s not like I could ‘urt ‘em, not like they would care what I thought. It would just mek ‘em laugh mower than they already were.
I waved a brief thank you to the driver, one small proof at least that thayer is still kindness in this world, an’ reached the safety o’ the opposite pavement, the voices behind me silenced now as the men returned to what passed for their conversation. I pulled me shawl tighter around me lugholes, to blot out as much sound as possible, just in case they were not done wi’ me after all, marching determinedly past the Harley Davison outlet, not even botherin’ to glance in the direction o’ the motorbikes on display, not interested, seeing only the couple who approached me on the pavement, ‘onds linked, finger over finger. The man was lookin’ at me as I stared, though man was stretchin’ it as the whelp were twen’y, not a day over, so I flicked me eyes away briefly, tryin’ to resist the lure, unable to do so, me eyes drawn back to the sight o’ young love, heart baitin’ more quickly than it should as I thought back to Alf, the only man to ever show me true kindness.
We were about the same age as the young lovers comin’ me way when we fust took up together. ‘E worked in the fishmongers down Lower ‘igh Strait. Mom sent me down to buy the plaice every Sat’day, a ten minute walk from our ‘ouse on Enville Strait an’ ‘e caught me ‘eart from the moment I set eyes on ‘im, scrapin’ at the ice chippins ‘neath the red snapper, leaning forrad, the sleeves of ‘is blue an’ white smock rolled up so as they day catch on any o’ the fish on display, short cropped hair ‘idden ‘neath a matchin’ blue an’ white ‘at that made ‘im look like the sexiest butcher ever walked the planet. As ‘e pushed ‘is scraper back an’ forth, the fust thing I noticed was how the muscles in ‘is forrarms bulged an’ relaxed, bulged an’ relaxed, an’ I couldn’t ‘elp but imagine them arms tensed up on either side o’ me as ‘e propped hissen up while ‘is bottom ‘alf plunged in an’ out o’ me. I felt wicked for the thought, an’ giggled out loud at me own depravity, the sound lettin’ ‘im know I were thayer. When ‘e set hissen straight an’ looked me way, me ‘eart near popped out me mouth as the deepest green eyes seemed to stare right into me, for all the world mekkin me think ‘e could read the dirty thoughts that were still at the front o’ me brain. I must ‘ave blushed as bright as them snappers, an’ damn near ran from the shop thayer an’ then, but I ‘eld me nerve, noticin’ a small smile toyin’ wi’ the corner of ‘is mouth. ‘E were tryin’ to ‘ide it, but it were thayer all’same, an’ the sight o’ it spurred me on, emboldenin’ me, so I stepped forrad an’ introduced messen, bold as brass.
‘I’m Alice Cranshaw,’ I said, louder than I meant, so the only other customer in the shop, as well as Alf’s fellow ‘monger looked me way an’ all, but it were too late, I just ‘ad to carry on spaikin’.
‘Two plaice, please,’ I said, quieter now, the initial rush o’ confidence fadin’ fast, in its place the sensation o’ shrinkin’, as if the ground were givin’ way ‘neath me feet, the Earth issen tryin’ to claim me for me act o’ stupidity.
‘No problem.’
Afore I left the shap, e’d asked fer me phone number, which I refused, but I did agree to meet ‘im down The Bathams for a couple ‘ours on the night an’, quicker than a bird con blink, we was together. ‘E were a gentleman an’ all, ‘olding open dowers, pulling out me chair when ‘e took us down the Bon Appetit so as I could sit, all dainty, like. Med me fail like a proper lady.
While it lasted.
One night, as ‘e came to drop me off outside me ‘ouse, ‘e med a lunge fer me an’, despite the thoughts I’d ‘ad the fust time I saw ‘im, I resisted. I pushed at ‘im wi’ me onds, pressed against ‘is shoulders, ‘olding ‘im at bay, but ‘is ‘eat were up ‘an there wor no stoppin’ ‘im. ‘E clamped an ‘ond over me mouth an’ pushed me against the car dower behind, pressin’ against me wi’ all ‘is weight. Like I said, I were ‘ittin’ ‘im as ‘ard as I could, but me blows meant nothin’ to ‘im. I might as well ‘ave bin a stickleback biting at the flank of a tiger shark for all the good it did me. Still coverin’ me mouth, ‘e used ‘is free ‘ond to start ‘itchin’ up me skirt. Pulled it ‘ard, ‘e did, up over the lace tops o’ me stockin’s, pausin’ for a few seconds thayer, ‘is ‘ond strokin’ ‘gainst the tops o’ me thighs.
But it wor me thighs ‘e were after.
Just as me Dad ‘ad done a few years agoo, ‘e were delvin’ fer what ‘e oughtn’t, tryin’ to tek summat afoower I were ready to give it, so I ‘ad to fight back. I pulled me ‘ead from side to side, violent like, so ‘is ‘ond slipped slightly off me face an’ took me chonce, openin’ me mouth wide an’ snappin’ down wi’ me nashers, clampin’ a good cleft o’ skin betwain ‘em, working me jaw then, fast an’ vicious so as, within seconds, ‘e were squailin’ like ‘e were giyin’ birth, ‘cept the only thing comin’ out on ‘is body were the blood runnin’ into me mouth an’ down the side on ‘is ‘ond. ‘E shook ‘is ‘ond loose, callin’ me all sorts o’ words that I’d never ‘eard afower or since, but it gave me the chonce I naided, to scrabble for the dower hondle an’ fall from the car.
I never saw ‘im again after that night, refusin’ to go back to the fishmongers when me Mom asked, not sayin’ why, or not exactly, just that somethin’ bad ‘ad happened. I ‘spect she knew roughly what I meant, but ‘er wor one to os’ queshuns. That’s why ‘er an’ me Dad stayed together, I reckon, ‘er ‘appy to live in ignorance while ‘e slowly drank hissen into the grave.
The young couple passed me by, an’ a right pretty picture they made, even though they was lookin’ at me like I might attack ‘em wi’ a knife or summat. Cor say I blame ‘em too much. I look a right state, an’ I know it. Asides me orange shawl, draped over me ‘ead like a Biafran, I’m wearin’ National Health specs. Not cos I wannoo, but ‘cos I cor affor’ nairun else. The pockets I mentioned a while agoo, them am on the duffle I bought down the charity shap a few months back. Big an’ bulky, it ‘ides me form from the world, keeping me mind quiet o’ worry. I eh no oil paintin’, that much I know, but for some men, anythin’ll do, even somethin’ as raggedy rough as Alice Cranshaw.
I crossed the road, ‘eadin’ for the bus stop.
The buz wouldn’t be long.
Number 100, the town centre circular.
No one pays you any attention on the buz. They leave you well alone, ‘specially someone like me. It’s like I’ve got a sign on me bonce sayin’ ‘Er’s a nutter, steer clear’ or summat, cos, even when I sit on the double saits, no one sits next to me ‘less they con ‘elp it.
I reached the buz stop just as the 100 arrived, me the only one wantin’ to get on, so I showed me pass, an’ climbed aboard.
‘I’m Alice Cranshaw,’ I said to the driver, who jus’ turned away ‘sif ‘e ‘adn’t ‘erd.
I sat down an’ stared out the winder, watchin’ the streets o’ StourHompton drift by as the buz looped round an’ round an’ round it’s route.
It’s how I spend me days.
‘Cos I’m Alice Cranshaw.
© Ian Stevens (2012)
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The ‘eat wer like summat alive, a physical force that ‘ad power o’ will, pressin’ down on me, choosin’ to mek me life difficult. I used the back o’ me ‘ond to wipe the sweat away from the gap betwain top lip an’ nose, vaguely repelled by the amount o’ moisture that were present, annoyed that I ‘ad not thought to bring a tissue, ‘spite the number o’ pockets arranged about me person. I wiped the dampness from back o’ me ‘ond onto me coot.
It were filthy anyroad.
The pavement in front o’ me curved to the right, though gradually, as the road issen split into two. Straight on, if yo’ walked far enough, the supermarket that adjoined the football ground. Nairen of interest for me thayer. I kep’ gooin’, followin’ the curve o’ the walkway, head down, not lookin’ where I wer gooin’ anymowa, no naid to look, I knew these streets too well an’, when yo’ look like I dun, paiple ‘ave a tendency to avoid yo’, to gid yo’ a wide berth, so I were unlikely to bump into anyone accident’llay.
Alice is the name, Alice Cranshaw.
Bin living in these parts for, ooh, mus’ be thirty five yayer. Since the day I wer born, in fact. Me mom used to tell me I weren’t birthed like a normal, I were shat out like a bad curry, which sounds about right.
The old bitch is dead now, but I ‘ad nairen to do wi’ it, despite what they all said. Me ‘onds are clain, s’far as that were concerned. Fell down the stairs ‘er did, three days af’er the old man went, so I got the blame for the pair on ‘em. ‘E died o’ the drink, as most do ‘round these parts, the men folk, anyroad, so that were me fault an’ all, at least accordin’ to the neighbours. Drank to spare himself the shame of ‘avin’ summat like me as a daughter, is the way they tell it but, truth is, ‘e drank ‘cos on ‘is own demons. Drank ‘cos o’ the things ‘e did that shamed ‘im, though I cor say that ‘ad nairen at all to do wi’ me. I were fourtain the last an’ on’y time ‘e tried anythin’. Lyin’ in bed at night, me curtains were open, I con remember as clear as if I was lyin’ thayer right now an’, back then, the street lights wor as bright so yo’ could actu’lly mek out the stars, actu’lly see ‘em spinnin’ in the heavens if yo’ squinted really ‘ard. Well, I was lyin’ thayer, counting ‘em up, seein’ if I could get to a thousand afore I fell aslaip, the clouds skittin across the sky mekkin it difficult to kep track, one second blocking ‘em, the next not so that I were never shooar which stars I’d counted an’ which I deh, an’ all that concentratin’ o’ course kept me from slaipin’. Well, I were concentratin’ so ‘ard I barely ‘eard the knob on me bedroom dower swivel. Fust I were aware were when ‘e closed the dower behind hissen an’ stood in the shadows watchin’ may. I day know who it were. ‘E day mek a sound yo’ see, just stood thayer, rooted to the spot, as if ‘e ‘ad died right thayer where ‘e stood, as if that black old heart o’ ‘is ‘ad just stopped baitin’ in ‘is chest an’ ‘e’d gone an’ fuckin’ died right where ‘e stood an’ I wish to pish ‘e ‘ad cos what ‘e did next was so vile. I turned messen over when I heard the dower close an’ peered into me room. I’d ‘ad me back to the dower, o’ course, ‘ad to, to stare out at the beautiful stars, so it took me eyes a while or two to readjust. I thought mebbe I’d fallen aslaip for a sec’ an’ dreamt the noise, an’ was just thinking o’ settlin’ back down to try ‘n’ slaip again when ‘e moved at me, out o’ the shadows, scarin’ me so much if thayer’d bin any in me I’d ‘ave pissed where I lay.
‘Dad,’ I whispered into the room, not shooar what were ‘appenin’ though not really worried. It were only Daddy. I knew I’d be safe.
‘Shhh,’ ‘e soothed an’ I could see ‘im ‘oldin’ ‘is ‘ond up to ‘is face, though the darkness masked the precise nature o’ ‘is actions. A finger against the lips was what I guessed.
‘E moved nearer.
‘Everythin’ alright?’ I asked as ‘e swivelled an’ sat down on the bed, ‘oldin’ an arm up slightly to allow me room to crawl under it, leaning down on me own elbah, gazin’ up at ‘im, ‘is features ‘alf masked by the night-time.
‘Do you love me, Alice?’ ‘e asked in a voice that I ‘ad never afore ‘eard, soft, strangled, as if ‘e were ‘avin’ to force the air itself over ‘is vocal chords. Lookin’ back, mebbe it were the guilt tryin’ to stop ‘im afore it were too late, ‘is own body workin’ against ‘im, but for ‘is own good, if you see what I main.
‘Course I love you,’ I replied naively, still feelin’ safe, still secure, under the protective paternal wing.
‘Doe scrame,’ was the only other thing ‘e said, in that same, strangled, not-Dad voice, a stranger spaikin’ through the mouth o’ the familiar, then ‘is ‘onds were on me an’, ‘cos ‘e ‘ad told me not to, I day scrame. I lay thayer an’ let ‘is ‘onds move about me, the top ‘alf o’ me, feeling nairen at all really save for the numbness o’ shock, body an’ mind paralysed, not afraid, more repulsed, set rigid by the revulsion I felt. It were only when ‘is ‘onds went down below an’ I felt one o’ ‘is nicotine stained fingers work its way inside me that I started to fight, ballin’ me fists an’ slappin’ ‘em against ‘is face, forcin’ ‘im to retrait. I opened me mouth to scrame, but no sound came out an’, as if ‘e ‘ad never even bin thayer, ‘e was gone, out o’ the room, away down the stairs where I ‘eard ‘im open the fridge, no doubt reachin’ inside for the strongest bottle ‘e could find.
We never spoke about that day.
Thayer was never a naid.
‘E suffered for it ‘til the day ‘e died, without a reason for me to add to ‘is misery.
I shed no tears at ‘is funeral.
Maybe that’s why they started callin’ me a monster. The 'eartless little bitch who refused to cry even as ‘er own ferther were dropped into the dirt, but it’s ‘ard to fail pity for someone 'oo thinks it’s ok to stick their fingers up your cunny without even askin’ fust. If they knew about that, mebbe they wouldn’t ‘ave bin so quick to judge, but I ‘eld me silence, not tellin’ a soul, an’ the secret remains mine alone even to this day.
The curve in the road ended, an’ I was forced to look left to right as I crossed the T-junction next to The Alex, a pub I ‘ad never even entered, the sight o’ the gristled men standin’ in the dowerway smokin’ enough to tell me that I would not be welcome. A car pulled to a stop just shy o’ the junction, the driver behind the wheel usherin’ me across the hoss-road, so I shuffled off the pavement, me Wellin’ton boots prohibitin’ swiftness o’ passage, an’ I ignored the jeers o’ the cigarette smokers behind me, shut me lugholes to the ‘Alright, darlin’,’ an’ ‘You’re a good lookin’ fella,’ knowin’ that they only said such things out o’ ignorance. They weren’t really tryin’ to ‘urt me, they were just maskin’ the pain o’ their own lives, hidin’ their own sense o’ worthlessness behind a masquerade o’ misogyny an’ mischief. And what use protestin’, anyroad? What if I were to turn round an’ give ‘em the sod off finger? It’s not like I could ‘urt ‘em, not like they would care what I thought. It would just mek ‘em laugh mower than they already were.
I waved a brief thank you to the driver, one small proof at least that thayer is still kindness in this world, an’ reached the safety o’ the opposite pavement, the voices behind me silenced now as the men returned to what passed for their conversation. I pulled me shawl tighter around me lugholes, to blot out as much sound as possible, just in case they were not done wi’ me after all, marching determinedly past the Harley Davison outlet, not even botherin’ to glance in the direction o’ the motorbikes on display, not interested, seeing only the couple who approached me on the pavement, ‘onds linked, finger over finger. The man was lookin’ at me as I stared, though man was stretchin’ it as the whelp were twen’y, not a day over, so I flicked me eyes away briefly, tryin’ to resist the lure, unable to do so, me eyes drawn back to the sight o’ young love, heart baitin’ more quickly than it should as I thought back to Alf, the only man to ever show me true kindness.
We were about the same age as the young lovers comin’ me way when we fust took up together. ‘E worked in the fishmongers down Lower ‘igh Strait. Mom sent me down to buy the plaice every Sat’day, a ten minute walk from our ‘ouse on Enville Strait an’ ‘e caught me ‘eart from the moment I set eyes on ‘im, scrapin’ at the ice chippins ‘neath the red snapper, leaning forrad, the sleeves of ‘is blue an’ white smock rolled up so as they day catch on any o’ the fish on display, short cropped hair ‘idden ‘neath a matchin’ blue an’ white ‘at that made ‘im look like the sexiest butcher ever walked the planet. As ‘e pushed ‘is scraper back an’ forth, the fust thing I noticed was how the muscles in ‘is forrarms bulged an’ relaxed, bulged an’ relaxed, an’ I couldn’t ‘elp but imagine them arms tensed up on either side o’ me as ‘e propped hissen up while ‘is bottom ‘alf plunged in an’ out o’ me. I felt wicked for the thought, an’ giggled out loud at me own depravity, the sound lettin’ ‘im know I were thayer. When ‘e set hissen straight an’ looked me way, me ‘eart near popped out me mouth as the deepest green eyes seemed to stare right into me, for all the world mekkin me think ‘e could read the dirty thoughts that were still at the front o’ me brain. I must ‘ave blushed as bright as them snappers, an’ damn near ran from the shop thayer an’ then, but I ‘eld me nerve, noticin’ a small smile toyin’ wi’ the corner of ‘is mouth. ‘E were tryin’ to ‘ide it, but it were thayer all’same, an’ the sight o’ it spurred me on, emboldenin’ me, so I stepped forrad an’ introduced messen, bold as brass.
‘I’m Alice Cranshaw,’ I said, louder than I meant, so the only other customer in the shop, as well as Alf’s fellow ‘monger looked me way an’ all, but it were too late, I just ‘ad to carry on spaikin’.
‘Two plaice, please,’ I said, quieter now, the initial rush o’ confidence fadin’ fast, in its place the sensation o’ shrinkin’, as if the ground were givin’ way ‘neath me feet, the Earth issen tryin’ to claim me for me act o’ stupidity.
‘No problem.’
Afore I left the shap, e’d asked fer me phone number, which I refused, but I did agree to meet ‘im down The Bathams for a couple ‘ours on the night an’, quicker than a bird con blink, we was together. ‘E were a gentleman an’ all, ‘olding open dowers, pulling out me chair when ‘e took us down the Bon Appetit so as I could sit, all dainty, like. Med me fail like a proper lady.
While it lasted.
One night, as ‘e came to drop me off outside me ‘ouse, ‘e med a lunge fer me an’, despite the thoughts I’d ‘ad the fust time I saw ‘im, I resisted. I pushed at ‘im wi’ me onds, pressed against ‘is shoulders, ‘olding ‘im at bay, but ‘is ‘eat were up ‘an there wor no stoppin’ ‘im. ‘E clamped an ‘ond over me mouth an’ pushed me against the car dower behind, pressin’ against me wi’ all ‘is weight. Like I said, I were ‘ittin’ ‘im as ‘ard as I could, but me blows meant nothin’ to ‘im. I might as well ‘ave bin a stickleback biting at the flank of a tiger shark for all the good it did me. Still coverin’ me mouth, ‘e used ‘is free ‘ond to start ‘itchin’ up me skirt. Pulled it ‘ard, ‘e did, up over the lace tops o’ me stockin’s, pausin’ for a few seconds thayer, ‘is ‘ond strokin’ ‘gainst the tops o’ me thighs.
But it wor me thighs ‘e were after.
Just as me Dad ‘ad done a few years agoo, ‘e were delvin’ fer what ‘e oughtn’t, tryin’ to tek summat afoower I were ready to give it, so I ‘ad to fight back. I pulled me ‘ead from side to side, violent like, so ‘is ‘ond slipped slightly off me face an’ took me chonce, openin’ me mouth wide an’ snappin’ down wi’ me nashers, clampin’ a good cleft o’ skin betwain ‘em, working me jaw then, fast an’ vicious so as, within seconds, ‘e were squailin’ like ‘e were giyin’ birth, ‘cept the only thing comin’ out on ‘is body were the blood runnin’ into me mouth an’ down the side on ‘is ‘ond. ‘E shook ‘is ‘ond loose, callin’ me all sorts o’ words that I’d never ‘eard afower or since, but it gave me the chonce I naided, to scrabble for the dower hondle an’ fall from the car.
I never saw ‘im again after that night, refusin’ to go back to the fishmongers when me Mom asked, not sayin’ why, or not exactly, just that somethin’ bad ‘ad happened. I ‘spect she knew roughly what I meant, but ‘er wor one to os’ queshuns. That’s why ‘er an’ me Dad stayed together, I reckon, ‘er ‘appy to live in ignorance while ‘e slowly drank hissen into the grave.
The young couple passed me by, an’ a right pretty picture they made, even though they was lookin’ at me like I might attack ‘em wi’ a knife or summat. Cor say I blame ‘em too much. I look a right state, an’ I know it. Asides me orange shawl, draped over me ‘ead like a Biafran, I’m wearin’ National Health specs. Not cos I wannoo, but ‘cos I cor affor’ nairun else. The pockets I mentioned a while agoo, them am on the duffle I bought down the charity shap a few months back. Big an’ bulky, it ‘ides me form from the world, keeping me mind quiet o’ worry. I eh no oil paintin’, that much I know, but for some men, anythin’ll do, even somethin’ as raggedy rough as Alice Cranshaw.
I crossed the road, ‘eadin’ for the bus stop.
The buz wouldn’t be long.
Number 100, the town centre circular.
No one pays you any attention on the buz. They leave you well alone, ‘specially someone like me. It’s like I’ve got a sign on me bonce sayin’ ‘Er’s a nutter, steer clear’ or summat, cos, even when I sit on the double saits, no one sits next to me ‘less they con ‘elp it.
I reached the buz stop just as the 100 arrived, me the only one wantin’ to get on, so I showed me pass, an’ climbed aboard.
‘I’m Alice Cranshaw,’ I said to the driver, who jus’ turned away ‘sif ‘e ‘adn’t ‘erd.
I sat down an’ stared out the winder, watchin’ the streets o’ StourHompton drift by as the buz looped round an’ round an’ round it’s route.
It’s how I spend me days.
‘Cos I’m Alice Cranshaw.
© Ian Stevens (2012)
Mail me
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